Undercover
by Tsvety
Summary: Tony goes undercover and the operation ruines his life - different, hurt and desperate Tony. Will his friends be able to help him or they'll lose him forever?
1. Prologue

**Hi :) Here's my new story. I'll only post the prologue but if there's somebody who likes it, I'll post the first chapter in a day. So please review and tell me what you think. ****I want to say a big "thank you" to my beta reader - DarkRose4u. **

**I don't own any of the characters :)**

Prologue

"Dinozzo…Tony, hold on son. Stay with me." Gibbs voice sounded scared. Together with Ducky, he had spent the last ten minutes in a dark garage watching his wounded agent helplessly, waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

"Anthony, don't close your eyes, keep fighting." Ducky spoke softly, realizing pretty well that those could have been the last moments of Special agent Anthony Dinozzo.

"WHERE'S THE DAMN AMBULANCE?" Gibbs yelled angrily. Desperate, tired, and frightened that he might lose his son.

"They…killed her…boss. I…screwed up…She's…dead." With huge efforts Tony forced himself to speak. Having said it, he closed his eyes and let the darkness wrap him.


	2. Chapter 1

**Thank you for all of the reviews and alerts, they really mean a lot to me. Please, tell me what you think about this chapter :)**

**Special "thank you" to my beta DarkRose4u. If it wasn't her help this story would have never been published.**

**I don't owe any of the characters!**

Chapter 1

***Four months earlier***

"Tony, I heard you have a new girlfriend. How old is she this time, twenty?" Ziva teased her partner.

"Ziva, I heard you've taken a puppy. The old Mrs. Cox started with a puppy, too." The SFA returned the joke.

"Who is Mrs. Cox and what started with a puppy?" The Israeli asked, puzzled.

"Oh, she is a kind old lady who's sharing her flat with about ten cats and four dogs instead of a man, Zee-vah…But now I realize that it might be better to share your home with living creatures than with a boat." An unexpected head slap followed that statement. "Ouch, morning boss."

"Vance wants to see us, now." The lead agent barked and three other people followed him to the office of the director of NCIS. Not bothering to knock, the ex-marine entered and faced a man with a toothpick in his mouth.

"What's so urgent director?"

"Agent Gibbs, I wanna you and your team to listen to me very carefully this time, especially you Agent Dinozzo. You're going undercover." Vance stared at Tony.

"No, no, no. I think I told you I'm not going undercover again, _director."_

"I'm not asking you, Agent Dinozzo, I'm ordering you. There is a dangerous drug-selling group here in DC. Until three weeks ago they were selling drugs to marines but since then they are trading with other groups in Europe. If somebody tries to stop buying, they kill them and their family. "And the man giving the big money was killed two days ago. That's our chance to introduce our people in the group."

"Wow, then congratulations director. But I'm not your man and don't try to involve me into this.

"You don't understand, you're already in. From now on you're Anthony Dinozzo, an ex-agent. You were fired from NCIS last year and spent six months in a jail for using and selling drugs and now you're looking for a way to start trading again. You're investing some of your fathers' money, hoping to double it in a year. A woman named Julie Park from FBI will be your liaison with us. She's working in Quantico and is the one you've been trading with when NCIS charged you and now, a year later, you're still keeping in touch with her."

"And what exactly will be my role? The stupid agent who gets it in the neck maybe?"

"You'll be working with the rest of the group for enough time to collect evidence and what's more important, to meet their boss. I want, those people, agent Dinozzo, SecNav wants them and I don't care how, just don't screw up this time!"

Xxx

***Three months earlier***

Thirty days had passed since the day Vance had ordered Tony to go undercover. A month during which a lot had changed and what's more important, Tony was a different man. Having invested $500 000 on drugs, Anthony Dinozzo had become one of the most respected members of the group but the price for that had also been high. For the second time in his life the agent had fallen in love while undercover but this time with a woman who was supposed to cover his back. He fell in love with an FBI agent.

"Man, pull the trigger, I don't have all day!" Roy Andrews, one of the closest "colleagues" of Tony barked. Despite the hatred towards himself the agent did it, killed the innocent woman in front of him then her husband. He wanted to run, to hide and never show up again but Tony knew he couldn't, he wasn't allowed to do so.

"You really are a cold blood man, Dinozzo." Andrews giggled and all the agent wanted was to punch the other man in the face but he wasn't allowed to do that.

"Cowards like these two don't deserve to live…Come, let's go, I'm meeting with potential clients after three hours and my apartment is a complete mess. You clean up here, I'll take care of my home. And Roy, be on time tomorrow or you'll be the one whose blood is on the wall next time!"

Xxx

Tony went straight home that night where he could be himself for at least a while, where he could find some comfort with a bottle of bourbon. Yeah, that was the new life of Anthony Dinozzo, filled up with lies and pain, a game in which he was in the role of a monster, a killer He was wondering if the price he had to pay was too high, if he wanted to live with the nightmares, haunted by the ghosts of the innocents he had killed. He was ashamed, angry with Vance and the SecNav hiding the truth from Gibbs and his team.

"_I feel like I don't know you anymore, Tony!"_ Abby's words from two days ago sounded again in his head. Was that true?

"DAMN IT!" The agent yelled, throwing an empty bourbon bottle away.

"Dinozzo, open up!" The familiar voice of his boss sounded. Yes, Gibbs and the team were the potential clients. A simple lie, one that would allow the agent to meet his friends for a while, that was what Tony told to himself but he knew that the lie could bring bad consequences.

"This place stinks." Ziva commented when entered.

"I'm happy to see you too, Zee-vah." Tony answered.

"Really Dinozzo, what have you done with your apartment? And why the hell there is a broken bottle over there?"

"Long story. Look guys, you can't stay here for long."

"But Tony, we miss you! When will you come back?" Abby cried out. Tony made a few steps forward and wrapped the Goth in a tightened hug. "Soon." The agent whispered another lie.

"How are you doing?" Gibbs voice sounded again but this time it was mild, worried.

"I'm fine, as always boss. Look, I think I'll be introduced to the "big boss" soon but I really need more time. Julie told me that Vance wants us to hurry up but you can tell him that his timetable can be used only for toilet paper."

"I'll take care of Vance." Gibbs promised. He had the chance to observe his agent for the last couple of minutes and he didn't like what he had seen. Tony looked really tired, his face was pale, looked like he had lost a few pounds. "There have been some new deaths, a couple. The man had used drugs, do you know something about it?"

"Yeah, I've heard about it." Tony mumbled, lying to his boss for the first time in his life. But he hadn't any intention to tell that he was a killer now.

Xxx

***Two months earlier***

"I love you Julie? Sixty days had passed since the whole nightmare had begun. That had been the hardest days for the agent in his whole life, moments when he had questioned even himself. Not once Tony was ready to give up, to yell to Vance that he wasn't the right man for that operation. He didn't want to be what he had to be anymore, didn't want to do what he had to, didn't want to drown his sorrow in alcohol instead of using those precious nights for sleeping. But there was Julie, the FBI agent, who was the only one who could understand him, the one who was helping him through this hell, the one Tony loved. Yes, he knew he wasn't supposed to fall in love with her, that this relationship wasn't meant to be. But Julie had captured his heart the moment they first met. Her black hair and big green eyes, her smile and sense of humor is what focused his attention on her at first. But there also was something deeper, a feeling Tony had only once felt before while with a woman, a feeling that he had support, love and someone who he could trust for everything.

"You know I love you too, Tony. But do not try to change the subject!"

"What do you want me to do? I have to be Anthony Dinozzo who sells drugs, not myself."

You're getting yourself in trouble Tony. I said nothing about the people you killed to your director, but what will you do when he finds out?"

"I do what I have to do, Julie! What, you thing I can live with it? Do you know that I had to sell to kids two days ago? Do you know that I had to batter to death a 26 year old marine? Do you know that those memories are haunting me and that won't change? But I was thinking that at least you can understand me."

"I see how much you've changed during the past two months and it's painful to watch how you're falling apart… This operation is slowly killing you. Please, speak with your boss and ask him to pull you out."

"Julie do you trust me?" Tony finally asked, grabbing Julie's hand and gently looking at her eyes.

"Of course I do. Otherwise I won't be telling you that I love you. Or did you forget your own words? You can't love somebody who you can't trust too."

"Then let me finish what I've started. I feel the end is close."

After a few seconds of silence, Julie? spoke again. "Ok, but if I see that you can't handle this anymore I'll personally speak with Gibbs. I won't sit here and watch how you destroy your life because of a stupid operation."

Xxx

***One month ago***

It was a Thursday evening when Gibbs heard a knock on his door. He knew it couldn't have been someone he knew because all of them didn't bother to knock, so the ex-marine climbed the stairs from his basement and opened the door.

"Agent Gibbs, sorry for bothering you."

"Agent Park." The male agent smiled then invited Julie in. "Does your visit have something to do with Dinozzo?"

"Yes, it does. Look, I know that you're more than a boss to him so I decided to speak with you, not with your director. You have to pull Tony out this operation or he'll end up bad... Have you noticed how much he had changed?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to monitor him closely."

"So you must know how much time he's spending in bars, trying to deal with everything with the help of alcohol."

"Yes, I know. And before you say anything else I'll tell you that I've spoken with him. But Dinozzo is a stubborn man as you must know as his girlfriend."

"You know about our relationship?" Julie amused.

"Yes. And I'll tell you one thing miss. Park, Dinozzo might date a lot of woman but he rarely falls in love. And unfortunately his heart was broken by every one of those woman so far. I hope you won't be the next one."

"I love him, agent Gibbs. That's why I'm so concerned about him. I fear something can happen 'cuz I see pain and hatred in his eyes. Do you know why I decided to come and speak with you? Only a few hours ago he told me he will kill the bastards in that group. And he wasn't joking, believe me."

"I'll have a word with him." Gibbs stated then grabbed his cell phone and keys from the table in his living room.

"I assume you know where to find him." Julie smiled slightly when she realized how well Gibbs knew his agent.

Xxx

Was Tony really so bad? What had happened with the class clown that Gibbs wasn't aware of? Millions of similar thoughts had occupied Gibbs mind and were refusing to leave during the whole drive towards Tony's favorite bar. As expected he spotted the younger man as soon as he entered. Gibbs stood by the door for a couple of minutes, observing Tony who looked like he had already drunk enough of the bottle which stood next to him.

"Don't ya think that a whole bottle is too much even for you, Dinozzo?" Gibbs asked then sat on the chair next to Tony's.

"The idea of me drinking is to stop thinking, boss."

"And does it help?"

"Yeah, the moment I forget who I am I feel wonderful."

"Who are you?" Gibbs urged. He wanted, no he needed, to know what was going on with Tony.

"I'm not Tony Dinozzo."

"Then who are you, Tony? Tell me what's going on, what happened?"

"I'm…I'm nobody. Boss, I'm leaving NCIS as soon as I'm done with the operation. I don't deserve to be an agent."

"No, you're not. And you're done with the undercover work from that moment on."

"With all due respect boss, I'll finish this. Fire me if you want, I don't care."


	3. Chapter 2

**Hi :) **

**I want to thank for all of the reviews and alerts, you can't imagine what they mean to me. **

**Please, tell me what do you think about this chapter. It shows the most important momments of the undercover operation but the next chapters will cover the time after it.**

**I don't own any of the characters. **

**Chapter 2**

***Three days ago ***

"Congratulations, agent Gibbs. Your agent finally did something useful." Vance laughed, looking at the team in his office. "Agent Dinozzo has met with the 'big boss'. His name is Andrey Petrov, Russian."

"So you can pull him out now?" Ziva couldn't help but asked.

"No. He has to collect some evidence."

"Dinozzo's not doing well. I don't know what he had to do but it's destroying him." Gibbs barked, remembering the night in the bar.

"Agent Gibbs, don't teach me how to do my job!"

"Listen to me, director, if something happens to my agent you'll regret the day you became director."

Xxx

"What's that meeting, Roy?" Tony was loosing his patience while walking towards a run down garage with Roy Andrews. His gut was telling him that something wasn't right but the agent was desperately trying to find enough evidence against the boss, and finally finish the damn operation that had changed his life. But before Roy could answer, both men reached the place and entered, being met by about six other people and…

"Miss Park." Tony mumbled, staring at the tied-up and beaten woman in front of him. He wanted to fight, to yell, to save the love of his life but he wasn't a fool. He was alone, they were six people. The only thing Tony could do was to play the game... and hope.

"Do you know her, Anthony?" A man in his early fifties asked. He was very well dressed, with an expensive suit and shoes which would cost Tony half of his annual salary. His name was Andrey Petrov.

"Of course. She's the first client I've ever had."

"Really? And do you know she's an FBI agent?"

"I…I had no idea. I've never had problems with her." Tony swallowed before answering.

"Well Anthony, now we have a problem and we expect you to take care of it." Petrov handed the agent a gun, waiting for him to pull the trigger. Tony stood there for a couple of seconds with the only thought that he had to save the woman he loved.

"What, are you an agent, too?" Roy's voice sounded angry. That moment Tony pointed the gun at Petrov and pulled the trigger but the bullet barely hit his arm. Another gun sounded and in the next moment Tony was down, bleeding from the left arm. Two big men grabbed him.

"I thought so. You're just like her!" Petrov laughed bitterly then looked at the others. "You know what to do." With those words, he left, leaving the four armed men and two wounded, beaten agents.

Xxx

***60 hours earlier***

"I'll ask you one more time, is your name Anthony Dinozzo?" One of the two men standing next to Tony asked. The agent was tied to a chair next to the left side of the garage and had spent the last twelve hours watching the pain Julie was going through. She was on the ground, next to the right wall, covered in blood and wounds, suffering. The monsters who now were trying to make Tony tell them everything, had beaten the crap out of her, leaving her there with broken nose and several broken ribs.

"GO TO HELL." The agent yelled, spitting bloody saliva on the other man. The next thing he felt was the cold metal handle of the man's gun on his cheek.

"When I'm done with you you'll be asking me to kill you!" The men hissed. Without wasting any more time the other one opened a little briefcase and took out a needle full of white liquid. "You know what this is, Agent Dinozzo, don't you?"

"Looks like … your sperm to me." Tony mumbled in response. Besides his attempts to joke he knew pretty well what was about to happen. Even though he had never used it, he was familiar with pain that liquid could cause.

Xxx

***48 hours earlier***

"Vance, you son of a bitch! For how long have you known something was wrong?" Gibbs rushed into the director's office, anger written on his face. After not more than thirty seconds Ziva, McGee, Abby and Ducky appeared behind their boss, waiting for an explanation.

"Last time I spoke with agent Park and Dinozzo was two days ago. Since then nobody has heard anything from them. We're trying to understand the situation without blowing up their cover."

"THEIR COVER IS ALREADY BLOWN!" The ex-marine couldn't hold his anger any more.

"Jethro, please calm down." Ducky put his hand on Gibbs' shoulders.

"We have to find Dinozzo, Duck."

"Agent Gibbs, you'll jeopardize the whole operation! I'm sure Dinozzo can take care of himself!"

"Listen to me, director, I don't give a damn about it! You already did enough harm, let me help my agent or I'll do it in the hard way." A few seconds of silence passed before Vance nodded. "McGee, Ziva, go to Julie's apartment and see what you can find. Ducky, me and you are going to Dinozzo's."

"What am I supposed to do, Gibbs?" Abby's voice carried around the bullpen where the four others were waiting for the elevator.

"Wait! I'll call as soon as we know something."

Xxx

***24 hours earlier***

"We'll find him, Jethro." Ducky said, but these were words he wasn't sure he believed in. But seeing the strong ex-marine so vulnerable, he had to give him some comfort. Despite the dim light in the autopsy room, the ME could see Gibbs' pain, could feel what the agent was feeling. Those feelings weren't typical for Leroy Gibbs and if he was scared and worried that meant that something very bad was happening to a close family member. Yes, Ducky had noticed the father-son relationship between Tony and Gibbs long ago and didn't even want to imagine what would happen if they lost the young agent.

"I'll never forgive myself, Duck. I didn't listen to my gut only once and look what happened!"

"Jethro, Anthony could be still alive. If you give up all hope the entire team will. You should believe he's alive or we'll never see him again."

"I fear he's dead long ago, Duck. You didn't see him last time I did!"

"Hope." Ducky smiled encouraging. "You should get some rest. Abigail will call you if she finds something useful."

Xxx

***8 hours earlier***

Darkness. That was what Tony could see. He had no idea if it was night or day, if he had been there for hours or for months, all he could feel was pain, all he could see was the dark world around him, all he could hear were Julie's moans.

"I love you, Tony." A quiet voice came from somewhere in the room. "Keep fighting, fight for me."

The agent could feel his hot tears falling down his face. He wanted to answer, to go and kiss her, but he wasn't able to speak, his mouth wasn't allowing him to and his broken leg was killing him. _"I love you too, July." _But these words were left unspoken and he never heard Julie's voice again.

Now he was completely alone. Hadn't eaten for days, tired, wounded, beaten, and drug with only God knows what, all he wanted was to close his eyes and sleep for ever.

Xxx

"Come on, come on!" Abby was yelling to her computer. Listening to Tony's favorite song, she'd been watching video tapes from a local supermarket for the last half a day. She has seen him on different tapes so many times, with so many different people. It looked like the area around that supermarket had been the place Tony had been meeting with his clients.

"Take some rest, Abby!" McGee advised, supplying the Goth with her sixth Caf-Pow for the day.

"No! Maybe the next tape will tell us something useful."

"I want to help him as much as you do, but you can't live on Caf-Pows. Go and eat something or I'll call Gibbs." McGee threatened. Frankly said, he knew what Abby was feeling, he had remembered to eat when he felt he had no energy left in him.

"You win! But promise me you'll keep watching until I come back!"

"I will."

Xxx

***Present***

"DUCK, OVER HERE. CALL 911." Gibbs yelled, kneeling next to the man who was like a son to him. He gently touched Tony's wrist to find slight pulse. "Tony…Tony, can you hear me?" In response the ex-marine felt Tony's hand squeezed his, but the younger agent never opened his eyes, he was too tired for that. "Dinozzo…Tony, hold on son. Stay with me." Gibbs voice sounded scared. Together with Ducky, he spent the next ten minutes in the dark garage watching his wounded agent helplessly, anxiously waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

"Anthony, don't close your eyes, keep fighting." Ducky spoke softly, realizing pretty well that these could be the last moments of Special agent Anthony Dinozzo.

"WHERE'S THE DAMN AMBULANCE?" Gibbs yelled angrily. Desperate, tired, and frightened that he might lose his son.

"They…killed her…boss. I…screwed up…She's…dead." With huge efforts Tony forced himself to speak. Having said it, he closed his eyes and let the darkness wrap him.

"Boss, the ambulance is here." McGee announced, running into the garage. But he froze when his eyes spotted the lifeless body of the man who was more like a brother to him than a colleague.

Xxx

Three long hours had passed since they had arrived at the hospital and there still weren't any news or even a slight clue if their friend was alive. The entire team was sitting in the waiting room in silence, each person there was deeply lost in their own thoughts, remembering all the happy moments with Tony and realizing just how much everything had changed during the last four months. Both Gibbs and Ducky were staring at the floor, both covered with the blood of the young agent. As a ME, Ducky was realizing how bad his young fellow was, he had watched how the paramedics almost lost Tony in the ambulance.

Suddenly, these quiet moments were interrupted by footsteps and a middle-aged doctor appeared.

"Are you with Anthony Dinozzo?" The doctor asked, his face stony, not revealing anything.

"Yes. How's he?" Ziva was the first to answer.

"My name is Doctor Josh Briton." He introduced himself. "Agent Dinozzo's condition is critical but stable at the moment. He had been beaten really badly for a few days, has broken bones which had caused internal bleeding, his entire face is blue and swollen, has a bullet wound in his leg…"

"You're not telling us something." Gibbs stated sensing that the doctor was hiding something.

"I have reasons to believe Agent Dinozzo has been tortured. He has restrains marks on his wrists and ankles, burns all over his body. We tested him for drugs and the test came back positive. It looks like he had been drugged at least two or three times. But we also have results from an unknown substance."

"I want to see him." The ex-marine barked, blaming himself for allowing this to happen.

"He's been sedated and intubated. I'll keep him that way for two-three days and monitor him closely…but you should know that the first forty-eight hours are crucial."


	4. Chapter 3

**Hi there. Thank you for your support, I'm so happy there are people who like the story.**

**I don't own any of the characters :)**

**Chapter 3**

"Now or never." Doctor Briton's words filled up the ICU room. Three days had passed since Tony had been accepted in Bethesda and his condition hadn't changed much. It was good that the agent had passed the crucial hours but he still wasn't able to breathe on his own. But it was high time he woke up. Therefore the doctor entered the room followed by a nurse to find the entire team, sitting around his patient's bed.

"I hope Anthony will wake up in one to two hours. He might be disorientated and in a huge amount of pain. I'll come back as soon as he's awake." The doctor explained before leaving the room.

"Jethro," Ducky looked at his friend. "You should eat something. I'll stay here, go and grab something."

"I left him alone once, Duck, and look what happened. I'm not leaving again."

Aware of how stubborn Gibbs could be, the old ME just patted the agent and headed towards the door, motioning to Ziva, McGee, Abby and Jimmy to follow him. "I'll bring you coffee and a sandwich."

Gibbs spent about an hour, sitting by Tony's site, before sensing slight motion of the younger man's hand. In the same moment the door opened and five other members of Family Gibbs entered. A second later they spotted a movement of Tony's index finger. Hope appeared into everybody's eyes. Ziva stepped up close to the man who was like a brother to her touching his cheek gently.

"Please Tony, try a little harder. Do it for us." She whispered loud enough for only Gibbs to hear.

"I want to see these eyes of yours, Dinozzo." Gibbs added quietly.

A new movement, this time, Tony's eyelid caught their attention. Fully aware of how stressful this could be, Gibbs grabbed and squeezed his hand, giving the agent some comfort.

"You're doing very well, my dear boy." Ducky smiled when saw one green eye open followed by the second one.

They all noticed the confused, terrified look written on their friend's face. But they also noticed how tired he was, this simple action of waking up had drained his strength to the last drop.

"Anthony, stay with us. I promise you'll have plenty of time for sleeping." Doctor Briton's words interrupted the peaceful atmosphere in the room. "I'll pull out this tube and see if you will be able to breath on your own. On three…one…two…three."

As soon as the tube was out Tony began coughing, struggling to breath. A nurse placed an oxygen mask on his face that helped him a lot and he finally calmed down, letting the gas fill up his lungs. Not able to stay awake for a second more, Tony closed his eyes again, not caring about the world around him.

"Okay, take your time." The doctor gave his prescription and left the room.

Xxx

Tony tried to move but he couldn't, the pain was far too great. Hell, why did it hurt that much? He tried to remember, he needed to…_"You're going undercover._" Vance's words popped up into his mind, bringing a whole bunch of memories with them.

"Julie…Julie." The almost unintelligible sound of Tony's voice woke up the dozing Gibbs. He was alone in the room, had made his team go home and take some rest.

"Hey." Gibbs smiled. But something in Tony's look scared him, it was somehow empty, lifeless. "You scared the hell out of me, Dinozzo." The ex-marine tried to read his agent but all his trials went to hell because the younger man was avoiding his boss' look and refusing to say even a word.

"How are you feeling?" Gibbs tried to start a conversation, something that Tony obviously didn't want. He ignored the question but couldn't stop the flow of tears that were ready to fall.

"It's not your fault, Tony."

"You…don't know…anything." Tony forced himself to speak. But those words sounded cold, with mixture of grief and anger.

"We'll talk about this later, you should rest now. It's a miracle you're still alive so don't test your luck again."

"I prefer not to be…it would have been easier."

"Tony." The father inside the ex-marine spoke. He made a step and sat on the edge of Tony's bed in a way that allowed him to have an eye contact with the younger man. "I won't tell you I know how you feel. But I know what's like to lose the one you love. You'll have to learn how to live with that feeling or it will destroy you."

"The Anthony Dinozzo you know doesn't exist any more. You'll have to learn how to live with that, too."

"Why? What happened?"

How was he supposed to answer to that? How could he reveal what he had done?

"I'm tired, boss."

Xxx

"Why are you here, Jethro?" Long hours later, Gibbs felt the gentle hand of Ducky on his back. The smell of fresh coffee made him raise his head to look at the ME. He took the cup gratefully but waited a couple of seconds before answering.

"He doesn't want anybody in his room, Duck."

"Yes, I know. Doctor Briton filled me in. Anthony's physical condition is improving thank God."

"But mentally? You know I've seen Dinozzo overcome so much but this time…it's just different. I see it in his eyes, something has happened, something that is tearing him apart."

"Jethro, his girlfriend was killed in front of his eyes. You know better than me what those monsters did to him, don't expect him to just forget."

"Hell I know that. But there's something else. This undercover operation made him a different man, he's been drinking way too much since he joined that…group. You know what he told me hours ago? - He prefers to be dead. And I believe him, Duck."

"I may try to speak with him." Ducky offered. In a different case, for a different man, he would have recommended a visit from a psychiatrist, but the ME knew the young agent well enough to know that he won't even say his name to a shrink.

"It will be good. But unfortunately I doubt that even you can make him open up."

Xxx

Ducky stood in front of the door of Tony's room, observing the man while Doctor Briton was trying to examine him. The task looked impossible, thanks to the fact that Tony wasn't cooperating, actually he was ignoring everyone in the room. All the agent was doing was laying in the bed, staring lifelessly out the window.

"Dr. Mallard." Doctor Briton greeted sadly before leaving. Ducky entered and closed the door, hoping to have a little bit of privacy. Still observing, the ME sat in the plastic chair.

"Do you need something, my boy?"

But those words, like everything else, were ignored by the agent.

"Anthony, you can tell me everything. We all want to help you."

"I…I don't deserve anybody's help. Just leave me alone, Ducky." If he wasn't sitting next to the man who said these words, Ducky would have never guessed they were Tony's. This cold, lifeless voice was way too much different than Tony's.

"Anthony, whatever happened is in the past now. Nobody will judge you about your actions."

"I…I judge myself! God will judge me, you will too. I went too far this time and there isn't a way back."

"My boy, life is giving you a second chance, take it and stop blaming yourself for things which aren't your fault"

"You don't understand, Ducky! I'm already dead, my soul is long gone. I wish I could start everything once again, I wish I could go back four months ago and have never said yes to Vance…but I can't. You want to know what happened? I'll tell you. I became a monster, a killer, I had to kill innocents, had to sell drugs to kids. Tell me how can I live with this? Every damn night, when I try to sleep, I see their faces and hear their voices. But there was Julie and I kept pretending to be this monster, because of her, because I wanted to be with her and finish the job, didn't want to screw up again. And when she realized that this operation was destroying me, it was too late, Tony Dinozzo was gone. Now she's dead because of me, I had to watch while she was suffered, until she finally took in her last breath, when the last part of my soul died. You shouldn't have saved me, Ducky, I didn't want to live then, and I don't want to live now."

Xxx

When Ducky left Tony's hospital room and went to the waiting room a lot of eyes bore straight into him, eager to hear about their friend. It was amazing to see people who were so close to each other, even tighter than a family.

"I'll stay with Tony!" Abby suddenly announced and jumped from the chair she was sitting in.

"Abigail, please sit." Ducky stopped her. The voice and the tone of the ME scarred them all, it revealed that something, was terribly wrong.

"Is Tony that bad, Ducky?" Ziva asked the question everybody wanted to.

"I'm afraid yes. Our Anthony had been through things we cannot even imagine during the last four months, tortured and made to watch Julie die. His reaction is understandable but what scares me is that he thinks it would be better if he dies."

"You think he might try to kill himself, Duck?"

"Yes. Listen Jethro, the poor boy has just said to me that he didn't want to be saved, that he wants to be dead. He's locked into his own world of memories of pain and horror and he'll most likely stay there for a while. So don't push him too hard or we'll definitely loose him."

"But what will happen when the doctors release him from here? We cannot be with him twenty-four/seven, boss." This time it was McGee's turn to ask.

"He'll stay in my house, willingly or not." Gibbs barked, throwing away the empty coffee cup he had been holding for about twenty minutes.

**Sooo? What do you think? Please, find some time and review :p**


	5. Chapter 4

**Hi there :) Thank you for reviewing and reading. Please, keep doing it :P**

**Merry Christmas to all of you :)**

**Chapter 4**

Tony spent a whole week in the hospital, hiding from the people and the world around him. Everybody tried to speak to him, Abby even yelled and cried, but there wasn't absolutely any effect. Only some single words from his nightmares were giving them a hint of what had happened, of the mental pain their friend was suffering. And then, seven days later there wasn't any change but at least the physical status of Tony had improved enough for him to go home, something he didn't care about. It was so unusual for him to stay in a hospital for this long but a lot of unusual things were going on and that was the less important of them.

"Agent Gibbs, feel free to call me if there's a problem, no matter what time it is. And remember, if you change your mind about the psychologists I can arrange a meeting with a really good one." Doctor Briton said before Gibbs filled in all papers and left the hospital. Down, in front of the building, Ducky had parked his old car and was waiting patiently with Tony in the car.

"Are we ready to go, Jethro?"

"Yeah, Duck, let's go." And without anymore explaining the ME drove, feeling the tension coming from the silence in the car.

"Hey, McGee and Ziva took some things from your apartment, clothes, your player and movies. I don't know what else you might need but whatever it is I'll go and bring it tomorrow." The ex-marine broke the silence just before Ducky parked the car in front of the house.

"I don't need anything."

Xxx

"WELCOME BACK!" Voices filled up the room when Tony entered, Gibbs and Ducky were a step behind him. The ex-marine grimaced. He had warned Abby not to prepare a welcome back party.

Nobody noticed the stony expression on Tony's face, not before he dropped one of the crutches he was using and reeled. Fortunately, Gibbs caught him on time.

"_Welcome back agent Dinozzo." _The untidy, ugly face of one of the men who had tortured him flashed through Tony's mind. For a moment, all he was hearing was his voice, and the words which had been keeping him awake for nights. _"Was it painful enough? Are you ready to tell me everything you know or you want one more dose?" _

"Easy, Dinozzo. Ziva, let's bring him to the guest room." Gibbs barked without releasing his grip. With Ziva's help, Tony soon found himself sitting on a double sized bed.

"Tony! You can't be like this forever. Tell us what just happened!" The Israeli hoped that she'd get an answer but her question left unheard by the agent. When she looked at his eyes all she saw was a terrified look and nothing more. The mischievous look that usually was there was gone now and sometimes Ziva doubted it would ever appear again. "Oh, Tony." She kissed his forehead and followed Gibbs to the living room where the others were sitting.

Xxx

"I think it's time you all went home." Gibbs wasn't hiding his annoyance with his team when he and Ziva jointed the others. He knew that they didn't mean to do any harm but a party was the last thing Tony needed at the moment. Also, the ex-marine was eager to spent some time with his agent in privacy and hopefully, make him open up a little bit.

"But Gibbs! We care about Tony as much as you do!" Abby argued.

"Really, Abs? Because I clearly remember that I told you not to make a party, not this time!"

Big, black tears fell on the Goth's cheeks. "I just wanted to cheer him up." She mumbled.

"I know, Abs." Gibbs wrapped her in a hug. "But you can't do anything now, it's up to Tony when he will allow us to help him. So, please go home. You're welcomed for breakfast tomorrow.

Xxx

"May I come in?" Gibbs asked as gently as he could before entering the room Tony was in. The younger man who was sitting on the bed and looking out the window nodded in approval.

"It's your house."

The ex-marine didn't respond but instead occupied the only chair in the room. "Tony…look at me."

"I don't want to talk about it, boss."

"Sooner or later you'll have to."

"I prefer it to be later."

"Tony, when we came here you remembered something that almost made you collapse. Do you like the idea of getting so upset every time somebody does or says something?"

"I…I can't." The younger man mumbled then hid his face in his hands, trying not to show the tears which were forming into his eyes.

"No, you just don't want to." With a gentle touch Gibbs lifted Tony's chin. "I felt the same way when I lost Shannon and Kelly. I was trying to hide from the world, ignoring what was going on around me, blaming myself. If it wasn't for Mike I'd probably have continued acting the same way."

"You don't understand, Gibbs. I can't stand myself anymore, I became a man who I hate, I lost the love of my life, I don't know who I am anymore…because of Vance and his stupid operation. I didn't say a word to those bastards while they were torturing me, while I was watching them kill Julie. I was ready to die but keep the information only for myself…Boss, I wanted to die, I do want it now."

"You're a fighter Dinozzo, not a coward. I'm sure you won't choose the easier way out."

"I'm telling you again, Gibbs, I'm not Tony Dinozzo, he doesn't exist anymore. Tony would have never done the things I did…Have you ever killed innocents?"

"Once. I had to 'cuz I wanted to protect more people. Sometimes it's better to lose one than everybody."

"But you've done it to save lives. I tortured people, did what they did to me, all because of Vance's operation. There were two things that were keeping me alive, Julie and the alcohol, but now I have only the second one.

"Don't go there, Dinozzo. It's not worth throwing everything away because of alcohol. You can do without it."

"I have nothing left to lose. What I was doing best was to be an agent. For once in my life I found my place, found family. But now…I can't look these people in the eyes. I can't be an agent, not after what I did…McGee will be a wonderful senior field agent, he deserves it."

"Hey!" Gibbs gave Tony the first head-slap since months. "You're not leaving. Take as much time as you need, but at the end I want you back. Don't waste good, do you remember this?"

"I can't." Came out Tony's answer.

Xxx

"_Please, I have money, I can pay. Let my wife go." A well-built man, all covered in blood, pleaded. He was tied to a chair, his back laying on his wife's._

"_You should have thought about your family earlier." The harsh voice of Tony sounded in reply. But those words were more like said by a ghost who was using the agent's body than by Tony himself._

"_What do you want from us? I don't owe you anything!"_

_The laugh of a third man filled up the small room. "You heard that, Dinozzo? He doesn't owe us anything." _

"_MY WIFE IS INNOCENT! Don't you two have a heart?"_

_That was a question Tony asked himself every single night but he didn't like the answer. Every part of his body wanted to stop this situation, wanted to pull the trigger but kill the man who was supposed to be his partner not the innocent family._

"_Roy, you know what to do!" Tony ordered then left the room. As he stepped outside he heard to shots and then nothing._

"_No." _

"NO!" Tony yelled then woke up, panicked.

Before the agent had time to calm down the door opened and Gibbs rushed into the room. By the chops that were covering his sweatshirt it could have been said that the ex-marine had been working on his boat instead of sleeping.

With the speed of the light Gibbs was on Tony's side, placing a hand on the agent's shoulders, a simple action with a magical comforting effect.

"Nightmares?" Was what the lead agent asked, already aware of the answer.

"Will they stop, boss?"

"It's up to you, Dinozzo…try and get some sleep, you're still weak. We'll talk tomorrow."

Xxx

It had been a tough night but the next morning was even tougher. At about eight o'clock and after uncountable number of coffees, Gibbs left the house and headed towards NCIS. It was Ducky's task to take care of Tony.

When the elevator doors slid open and Gibbs entered the bullpen a hundreds of heads turned around to look at him but the man just ignored all of them. He didn't stop when reached his desk but took the stairs and only seconds later he rushed into Vance's office, without knocking or bothering to say something to the secretary.

"Why did you use him that way?" Gibbs barked.

"Morning to you, too, agent Gibbs."

"You're playing with the fire, director. It was way too much that Jenny used Dinozzo four years ago."

"And he did the same mistake for a second time. Isn't that actually quite funny?"

"Hell, you ruined his life! Does that sound funny to you?"

"He knew the risks. You were here when he accepted to go undercover."

"Do you know what's the "funny" thing? It's not like you gave him much choice."

"That's enough, agent Gibbs! I'm not discussing my decisions with you."

"I want to know what happened, director! Why is my agent in the state he is now?"

"I don't know the whole story as well, Gibbs. The last two meetings with Dinozzo weren't, how to say, very productive. He was distracted and angry with me, thanks to him my eye was swallowed for two days. I spoke with the FBI agent, thought she knew what was going on with her…boyfriend. She filled me up that Dinozzo had taken the whole operation personally and wasn't following anyone's orders anymore. I have no idea how they screwed up their cover. But, agent Gibbs, I expect you to find out. Or I will, in my way."

"Is Tony in danger?" The ex-marine asked the question that was bothering him since they had found Tony. "They know his real name, is there any reason they might want him dead?"

"That's a question I cannot answer. You know what I know, make your conclusions.


	6. Chapter 5

**Hey :) This it my favourite chapter so far so I hope you'll like it. No matter what you think about it, please review.**

**I want to say "thank you" to the people who review every single chapter. Your comments mean a lot to me.**

**I wish you all a wonderful New Year's eve and a Happy New Year :)**

**I don't owe any of the characters**

**Chapter 5**

Fourteen days had passed since Tony left the hospital. He finally was healthy enough to take care of himself and go home. But as the days were passed by, Gibbs couldn't see any change in the behavior of his agent. Tony was still the lifeless, angry, desperate man from two weeks ago. Only his physical status had improved.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Gibbs commented. It was the last night Tony was going to be spending at his house. They had decided to go to a pizzeria for Dinner, having been seated outside on the deck. The younger agent had just finished his first beer, still holding the empty bottle in hands. The peaceful, quiet, warm night was in disharmony with the agent's soul, he looked up at the sky, the light of the moon like a glimmer of hope.

"Do you believe there's heaven, boss?" Tony's question surprised Gibbs.

"Yep. Hope Shannon and Kelly are having great time there."

"I hope Julie's in heaven, watching me from a white, fluffy cloud. I just sorry I won't go there when I die."

"Drinking won't help you get there either."

"Don't start this again, Boss. It was only one beer."

"I see it, Dinozzo. Just do me a favor and don't take another one."

"Why? Don't you believe me?"

"I trust you with my life. But you have to understand that alcohol is not the way to deal with your problems."

"Yeah, because problems win this time."

"Dinozzo!" Tony felt Gibbs' palm touched his head. "Don't you think it's time you spoke with the rest of the team?"

"I speak with them everyday, boss."

"Come on, Tony. I mean a real conversation. We want to hear the whole story. And I'm sure Ducky will be able to help you, just give us a chance."

"Not going to happen."

Xxx

"Are you sure he's up to this, Jethro?" Ducky began the next morning, taking a sip from his coffee. He had come by Gibbs house really early, hoping to have a little time in privacy with his friend.

Tony was pretending to sleep even though Gibbs and Ducky had noticed that it was very hard for him to rest.

"Nope. His mental status is worrying me, Duck. But I can't forbid him to go home."

"No, you can't. But Anthony had always listened to your advice."

"Not this time. I don't understand why, but Dinozzo is keeping me in distance."

"Do you know that I had a similar conversation with Timothy, Ziva and Abigail? They are all concerned about him, they're worried,Anthony is pushing them away."

"He needs help, Duck. I tried to make him open up in front of all of us, even asked him to sit with us and have a talk but this is Dinozzo we're talking about – he's more stubborn then ever...I'm scared Vance and SecNav will start demanding for answers once they find out Tony is home alone."

"Jethro, you have to admit that there are a lot of questions which only Anthony can answer to."

"Yeah, but Vance doesn't care about the consequences of his actions. Dinozzo's already at the edge. One wrong word from somebody and we'll lose him for good."

Xxx

He remembered the last night at his apartment. It had been cozy and warm, but the sun that had shone, was gone, and the only thing that was reminding him about the woman he loved so much was a single photo, hidden deep inside his drawer.

Tony went to his bedroom, unlocking the drawer. There, under his socks, he spotted the beautiful picture. It was a photo of Tony and Julie in the park, enjoying a picnic on a nice, sunny, spring day.

He took the photo in one hand, walking out to sit on his couch. On the table in front of him, the last bottle of bourbon he had bought sat taunting him, only half full.

"I love you." He mumbled as he stared at the photo. Tears began to fall from his eyes. "I promise you I'll make those bastards suffer. They'll pay for what they did to you, to both of us."

These words were a promise, a promise that Tony fully intended to keep. There was one thing Tony was living for now, and its name was revenge. He was ready to work again, to go where he didn't want to be, a place he didn't belong anymore. But he had to if he wanted to find the men who destroyed his life. Who took away one of the few things he couldn't replace, his heart.

Two knocks on his door cut off his thoughts.

"Tony, it's Ziva." The familiar voice said.

"Jeez, not now." Tony cursed silently before opening the door. The Israeli smiled, a pizza box in her hands.

"I thought you might be hungry." She explained before entering, going straight to Tony's living room. The first thing she saw was the bottle on the table. It was next to the picture her friend had been staring at before her arrival. "It's beautiful."

"Julie said the same thing…what movie do you prefer, horror, action, or a funny one? Tony hoped Ziva was only there for company but that idea quickly turned out to be wrong.

"None." She answered, grabbing a piece of the pizza. After chewing a small bite, she looked at her friend who was trying to avoid her eyes. "Are you coming back soon?"

"What, my Probie misses me?" He was obviously trying to avoid answering her questions.

"Yes Tony, we all miss you! You've been hiding from us, let's see, since Vance sent you undercover."

"Believe me, it's for the better."

"Please." Ziva touched Tony's face. "Be a man Tony, talk to me."

"What do you want to know, Zee-vah? Yes, I killed people, I tortured them the same way they tortured me! I still see their faces, the innocent people, screaming for mercy. It haunts me every time I blink. Every time I close my eyes I go back to that garage, I feel the pain of watching Julie die. Every time I wake up, I pray it's for the last! Are you happy now? Is that what you want to hear?"

"No! I know what it's like to be tortured, do you remember? I've also killed innocents! But Tony, that's what we have to do sometimes. Knowing this helped me to overcome what I was feeling."

"Then you're braver than me."

"You can also do it. All you have to do is forgive, sometimes that is all you need."

"Do you believe in justice?" Tony's question surprised Ziva. She tried to understand it, tried to see what was hidden behind the tears of her partner, but they were dead, it was horrible to see.

"Of course, I would not be with NCIS if I did not."

"No. I mean God's justice. I had to be punished for what I did, but Julie…she was innocent. Why did he take her away? It wasn't fair, she deserved to live!"

"It's not your fault they killed her."

"It is. Vance is right, I screwed up. The last time I met our presious director I was drunk, I had Roy's documents in my pocket. He had remembered I had said that I'd had a meeting. He was at the parking lot when I was meeting with Vance. I confronted Vance. Roy must have heard my yelling, because the next morning everybody knew I was an agent. The bait was Julie... I walked straight into a trap, Ziva!"

She did not know what to say, what to do. This was the first time Tony revealed how he had ended up in the garage. This confession led to some other big questions. But they had to wait.

Xxx

He was walking dead. A mask firmly placed on his face, covering the tears. He entered the building he now loathed with a passion, hated it because he didn't deserve to be there. But he had to. He had nothing left to lose, his soul was gone.

He opened the door, smiling to the guard while he waited for the elevator. He was annoyed by the looks from the staff, he tried to not pay attention.

"Tony! Tony! Tony!" He heard his name as soon as he stepped out the elevator. A second later Abby jumped over him and Tony almost fell, still weak from his injuries. "Sorry." The Goth apologized when she realized that she might have caused her friend some pain.

"Did you finally decide to come back?" McGee teased. But Tony wasn't showing he had even heard, his look zeroes in on the dark man watching openly above him.

"Where's Gibbs?"

"MTAC I think." McGee responded. "Does he know you're here?"

"No…I have to do something. I'll meet you later." "Without bothering to explain more, he headed for the stairs, they two agents watched as he entered the director's office."

The next moment they saw him up the stairs, he entered Vance office.

"I feel as if I am missing something." The Israeli commented, thoroughly confused.

Xxx

"Agent Dinozzo, what an honor! You've finally decided to meet me!" Vance commented sarcastically as Tony closed the door behind him. The agent felt burn like lava inside him but tried to stay calm, his mask holding in place.

"I wish I could say it's a pleasure, but there already are enough lies, there's no need for another one.." Tony answered right back, his cold gaze drilling into Vance.

"Dinozzo, you're playing with the fire! I was patient enough to wait for you to come here yourself. Now I want to hear why this so well planned operation was blown to hell!"

"You can't say I didn't warn you, director. I told you long ago I wasn't the right man."

"Yeah, I see that. Maybe agent McGee wouldn't have chosen to spend his time drinking and ruining my operation if I had sent him undercover."

"Oh no, no, no! Don't blame me! YOU were the one who made me do whatever I was told! I became a monster because of you!"

"You screwed up, not me! Now I want to know how much you told them about the operation. It took us many days to collect the little evidence we have, and you go and ruin everything!"

"Don't worry, Director, I didn't say a word. You can tell poor little SecNav his precious information wasn't compromised." He said it as if talking to a small child.

"You don't know that! Agent Park could have told them something."

"Don't you dare say that again! Julie died hiding the damn information!" Tony clenched his fist but didn't move even a step.

"You can't be sure! You've been too inadequate to understand what they did to her."

"Shut up!" Tony raised his voice. He couldn't stand listening to Vance any longer. "Julie died protecting this operation."

"The operation jeopardized by both of you long ago."

He couldn't stand there another minute without seriously injuring the man in front of him. It was the end, Tony didn't even bother to answer. He opened the door and stormed out, ignoring Vance yelling at him, demanding him to come back.

Xxx

"DINOZZO!" Gibbs voice exploded through the bullpen when he saw his furious agent was going to take the stairs and avoid meeting him. McGee and Ziva had called him to tell him Tony had arrived at NCIS half an hour ago and since then, the ex-marine had been waiting nervously at his desk.

Tony froze when heard his boss' voice. "Hi, boss." He faked a smile even though every muscle on his face was showing only raw sadness and pure hatred.

"When were you planning to tell me you're here?" Gibbs raised his eyebrows watching every move of his SFA, who was coming closer to the bullpen.

"Thank you!" Tony hissed to McGee and Ziva before looking at Gibbs. "The crazy son of a bitch upstairs would have told you anyway.

"How did it go?" Ziva asked with tone saying she already knew the answer.

"Oh, it went perfect, Zee-vah!" Tony snapped. "I wonder why I didn't kill him when I had the chance. Maybe then, all this couldn't have been that meaningless."

"Dinozzo! I'll take care of Vance. Now go home and I expect to see you here on Monday. You'll be doing desk work until Ducky says you're physically fit for a field work." Gibbs barked roughly. "And, Tony, you better be here on Monday morning, or I'll find you and head-slap you into next week!"


	7. Chapter 6

**Hi! I wish you all a wonderful new year!**

**Please, be as kind as always and review :)**

**I don't owe any of the characters**

**Chapter 6**

Fear. It had seized Tony and was refusing to let go. Knowing that he will have to look into his friend's eyes and lie to them, it was almost too much. The people he'd been avoiding for weeks, he will have to spend days with. But Tony knew that that was the only way to get to the men who changed his life, who ruined his life, the monsters who made him a _monster._

He got up early on Monday morning. Well, if he had to be honest, he hadn't slept at all. Because every time he closed his eyes, nightmares and memories appeared in his mind.

Having dressed in his Italian suit, he grabbed his car keys and slammed the door behind him. A half-hour later, he parked his car in the NCIS parking lot which was still empty due to it being so early.

"_Thank God." _He thought when saw that the bullpen was empty, especially the three desks around his. He sat on his leather chair and opened the top drawer. He knew he would find his badge and gun in it, but also noticed a piece of paper with a phone number on it. Taking it with one hand, Tony leaned back and stared at it. This was the phone number of the woman he'd dated just before the assignment. Hell, how happy and carefree he had been feeling!

"Morning, Tony." McGee's voice scared him. The junior agent looked suspiciously at his friend, it seemed strange to him that Tony was here this early.

"McProbie!" The senior agent tried to mask his real emotions. "Is this coffee for me?" Without waiting for the answer, Tony grabbed one of the cups McGee was holding and took a big sip before sitting back on his chair.

"I was about to forget all of these nicknames."

"Did you miss them?" Tony raised his eyebrows, imitating a hopeful expression.

"Sort of…Anyway, why are you here so early?"

"My desk is a mess, have to clean it before Gibbs comes." This was the first lie Tony could think of and it worked, McGee bought it. The real reason was that he wanted to do a research, to start his big "search for drug-sellers" adventure.

"Yeah, I'm familiar with that feeling. Have to finish all these reports before he comes or I'm dead. It looks like you were right, it's not fun to be a senior field agent. I'm actually happy I won't be anymore."

Tony was about to answer but the elevator "ding!" stopped him. The doors slid open, and came running a bright looking figure, followed by Ziva and Ducky. Abby pounced hard.

"Abigail, Anthony's still weak!" Ducky warned so the Goth would let her friend breath.

"Sorry but I'm so happy that you're back…I have to go, my babies are waiting for me. See you at lunch time." Abby said with the speed of the light and in the next moment disappeared, taking the stairs.

"I have to go as well. It's good to see you back, my boy." Ducky patted Tony lightly on the back before leaving. Now there were only three of them left to sit in an awkward silence.

Xxx

"Grab your gear!" Gibbs barked an hour later when he arrived with a fresh, hot coffee in hand. His eyes stopped on his SFA for a second, trying to read him but for the first time in his life he failed. Tony's stony expression and lifeless eyes weren't telling him anything.

"What do we have, boss?" McGee dared to ask first.

"A dead lieutenant. Ziver, call Ducky and tell him we'll meet at the crime scene. Dinozzo!" The ex-marine blocked Tony's way. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Yes, desk work." Tony murmured before sitting in his chair. "And what exactly should I do here?"

"Wait and I'll call you as soon as we have something."

Xxx

"Gibbs, do you really think Tony is alright? I mean he has been trying to be his old self since he came this morning, but I do not know, I think this is only a theater." Ziva commented while Gibbs was driving towards the crime scene.

"You do know that he doesn't know how to say he's not alright, don't you?' McGee answered instead of their boss, who was just listening. "I mean he said he was alright when he had the plague, when broke up with Jeanne, after he went missing, arrested, shot and so on. So you can't just expect to hear anything else this time."

"Dinozzo is not alright and he won't be anytime soon." Gibbs added in his usual gruff voice. "Boss, how long will Tony be on desk work?"

"Until he says he feels confident enough to work in the field McGee, and I hope it will be soon."

Xxx

After some more minutes, Gibbs parked the NCIS vehicle practically in the middle of the street, in front of a relatively big white house. The trio had grabbed their stuff and had started walking towards the main door, when they saw Ducky's truck and heard him yelling at Palmer.

"Mr. Palmer, I have no idea how you find your way to work and back."

"Ducky, why do you need four gurneys?" Ziva asked puzzled when she saw that there were four of them next to Palmer.

"For the bodies, of course." The ME answered without any hesitation.

"Bodies, Duck? I thought there was only one dead lieutenant.

"Oh dear, no Jethro. His wife and eight-year-old twins have been killed too."

"Then why the hell did we only get information about the lieutenant's death?" Gibbs was extremely pissed.

"That must be our fault agent Gibbs." A middle aged Metro officer explained. "One of our probationary officers found the bodies four hours ago, but he reported badly. So I only knew about the other three bodies about a half-hour ago."

"I don't care whose fault this is Mark. Next time, it would be better to inform us correctly." Gibbs answered impolitely before entering the house. What they saw was horrible. There was blood everywhere but that was the less important thing. The bodies of the two kids were under the table, terror written on their faces, stabs all over their little bodies, the a smell of urine wafted through the air around them. The mother's eyes were still open, so much pain in them. She had watched her kids dye before the killer saved her from her agony. The Lieutenant's body was in the living room, a knife in his right hand and a gunshot to his chest.

"What kind of a human can do this, Jethro?" Ducky asked sadly.

"Not a human Duck, a monster."

Xxx

He was finally alone, the perfect opportunity for searching. But how was he supposed to do it without having any idea of where Petrov and his people were?

_Petrov, Andrey_. He typed the name into the NCIS database. And in the next moment, a picture of the man he hated appeared. A face that was haunting him. But he already knew all of the information written there, it wasn't very much.

"Son of a bitch!" Tony murmured, addressing the words to Vance, SecNav and FBI as well. They were hiding information, he was pretty sure about this and was quietly seething, when he heard Ziva's voice coming from the elevator. He quickly closed the open window on his computer.

"Dinozzo, I want you to find everything about Thomson family, now!" Gibbs barked at Tony.

"It's already done, boss. I did it as soon as McGee called me about the bodies."

"And?' Gibbs urged.

"Lieutenant Carter Thomson, thirty-five years old, just returned from Iraq. Three years ago he won a silver star because he had saved five marines from being tortured and killed but one of them was injured, and his left leg had to be amputated. Thomson was shot, spent several months recovering and was sent to Iraq again about thirteen months ago."

"What about the mother?" Ziva asked wanting to kill with her own hands the monster who had murdered a whole family.

"Samantha Thomson, thirty-four years, a high school teacher in the local area. No criminal record. Bobby and Scotty Thomson, age 8. They studied in a school near their home. I called the school, their teacher said they both were very smart kids, funny and unruly, but still really intelligent. They were also very close and shared everything with each other."

"Good job, Dinozzo. Ziva, McGee, go and talk with Mr. Thomson's colleagues." Gibbs barked, stepping towards the elevator and pushing the button. "Dinozzo, I'm not going wait for ages!" He added, seeing that Tony hadn't intended to join him.

"Where are we going boss?"

"Autopsy."

Xxx

"Mr. Palmer, this poor family here makes me remember my first case in this building. A homeless man had killed four people, for 20 bucks. Can you imagine?"

"Oh, I can, Duck." Gibbs answered instead of the young ME. "What do you have?"

"The time of death is about 4:00 am. It can be easily said that the killer stabbed the twins first, but the they died about ten minutes after they were stabbed."

"Where was the father when it happened, Duck?" Gibbs asked, wondering why the father hadn't tried to save his own children.

" Well I say, Judging by the marks on their wrists, Mr. and Mrs. Thomson were tied, forced to watch the death of their kids. I believe that the killer then untied the mother and stabbed her too, she died immediately. Then comes the strange part, Jethro. I have no clue how the lieutenant untied himself and took the knife. All I know is that he was the last one killed, with a gunshot straight to his heart. I sent the bullet to Abby in hope she will find out something more."

"Good job Duck. Now you can tell the rest of the story to Palmer." Gibbs smirked, seeing the unhappy look in Mr. Palmer's eyes. Yes, there were times when Gibbs showed the meaning of the second B in his name. "Dinozzo, go get a Caf-Pow, we're going to see what Abby has.

Xxx

"What do you have, Abs?" Gibbs yelled when he and Tony entered. The music was so loud that it certainly could have damaged their hearing.

"Wow, bossman! Even I can't find anything that fast." The Goth answered after the music had been turned down.

"So I can give that Caf-Pow to Dorris from the mail unit? I've heard she loves it." Tony joked giving the girl the drink.

"Abs, I have no time. How much will I have to wait?" Gibbs showed signs of loosing his patience.

"Gibbs!" The Goth jumped in front of her boss and faced him. "Go upstairs! I'll call you as soon as my babies tell me something."

Making a grimace the ex-marine turned and walked out. "Dinozzo, you stay here."

Xxx

This was one of the hardest cases the team had ever had. Not only because of the brutal murders but also because there was barely any evidence, no witnesses, no nothing.

McGee and Ziva came back to NCIS late in the evening. The bullpen was empty except of the dozing Gibbs and Tony who had sunk deep into his own thoughts. The SFA had spent hours in Abby's lab, pretending to be fine until finally the bullet was matched with a gun and his possessor was found.

But of course, as like everything else lately, they had no luck. Having spoken with all of the colleagues of Mr. and Mrs. Thomson, along with friends, and classmates of the twins, they had found nothing. McGee and Ziva were sent to the house of sixty-three year old Pete Watson, an ex navy pilot who was their only lead. His gun had been stolen some weeks before the murders. The only helpful information they had learned was that the son of Watson, Josh Watson, was one of the men Lieutenant Thomson had saved.

McGee sat in his comfortable leather chair and without making any noise opened a box of pizza which Gibbs had bought and left for them. Tony hadn't even touched it, pretending he had eaten a sandwich in Abby's lab. "Are you hungry?" McGee asked Ziva quietly.

"Yes…Thanks McGee." The Israel answered tiredly, taking a piece of the pizza.

"Tony, please tell me you have something." Ziva asked with hope in her voice. But her statement went unnoticed by her partner, his mind wasn't in the room.

"Dinozzo!" Gibbs murmured, being awakened by his junior agents.

"Yes boss." Tony jumped.

"Go home and get some sleep, all of you! We'll question Watson's son tomorrow." The lead agent ordered, grabbing his own jacket before strolling out of the bullpen. Without hesitation McGee and Ziva stood up too, powering down their computers.

"Are you coming?" Ziva asked her partner who wasn't in a hurry to go home.

"Yeah. Go on without me, I have a date with the bathroom." Tony grinned in an attempt to mask his original intentions. The elevator door slid open and his two friends disappeared. leaving Tony alone in the darkness.

"_Petrov, Andrey."_ He tapped in his computer for the second time today. He had promised Julie he would get his revenge, and no matter how long it would take, he would find everybody responsible for his suffering, and they would pay.


	8. Chapter 7

**Hi **

**Thank you guys for your reviews. They inspire me to write more and more.**

**I don't owe any of the characters**

**Chapter 7**

"Oh crap, Dinozzo." Gibbs murmured as he walked in the empty NCIS building at around 6:00 the next morning. What he saw was his agent, dozing on his desk. His unchanged clothes and the mess all around him was making it obvious that Tony hadn't gone home last night. "_What will I do with you?" _Gibbs thought.

"Tony, wake up." Gibbs freed his hand from his coffee before placing it on his agent's shoulders. Tony groaned and lifted his head. "Morning sunshine." The ex-marine grinned in amusement at the bedraggled features.

"Morning, boss. Why you're here so early?"

"Couldn't sleep. Why didn't you go home last night, Dinozzo?"

"I was too tired to drive. Don't worry boss, I had a very good sleep here."

"I didn't know that you can sleep while working on cold cases…Come on Tony, don't play games with me. You could have asked me for a lift last night."

Tony laughed sarcastically, thinking very carefully what he was going to say. "I'm not a baby, Gibbs. I can take care of myself."

The lead agent preferred not to push his agent any further. "I'll check on you tonight and if you're not home I'll personally come and drag you, is that clear?"

"Crystal boss." Tony hissed. "I'm gonna a shower."

Xxx

"Okay..so we have nothing." Gibbs patiently announced to the team. Everybody was staring at the plasma, sharing pictures and information about Thomson family. "Let's try a different approach, let's think of what we know."

"Josh Watson, the son of the man whose weapon was used had been saved by our victim. The gun had been stolen before the time of the murders." Ziva wrote it down so it would appear on the plasma.

"Our killer may have wanted Lieutenant Thomson to suffer most. He killed his kids first, then made him watch as his wife died. Maybe the killer was looking for revenge? The question is what for?" Gibbs added to Ziva's facts.

"Wait a second. It doesn't make any sense that Watson would kill the one who had saved his life." Tony stated as he rubbed his temples. "But I found something else last night."

"Didn't you go home?" McGee asked puzzled. But now, looking again at his friend's tired eyes with dark circles under them, he understood.

"And you're telling us that _now_?" Gibbs looked pissed off.

"I forgot." The SFA mumbled for an excuse. "It won't happen again, boss."

"Yea Dinozzo. Because if you don't sleep for one more night you'll simply pass out. Can't your wooden head understand that you can't live like this forever? Now please, would you tell us what you know."

"While looking at Thomson's bank accounts a secret one came up. It looks like his wife had no idea about it, or any access to it. But the lieutenant had used the money a lot, mostly for random expensive gifts until about two months before his deployment. When I dug deeper, I found out that all that expensive stuff was for a woman, Sara Cox, who died guess when?"

"Thirteen months ago?" Tony nodded to Ziva's guess

"How did she die?"

"She had been stabbed in her home." McGee was the first to answer. "It's a cold case, boss. The only report says that an unknown woman penetrated Mrs. Cox's house and killed her in the bedroom while her husband and daughter were having dinner."

"How does the Homicide division know that a woman is the killer?"

"They found a single blond hair. But the DNA didn't match any of their suspects."

"Dinozzo, call her husband. I want him here. McGee, take Ziva and bring all evidence from her case to Abby. Tell her to process the hair first."

Xxx

"Thank you. We'll be waiting." Tony hung up the phone, satisfied that he had successfully called Mr. Cox. It looked like a simple task but it turned out to be a very hard one. Nobody had Cox's actual phone number, and after an hour and a half of digging, Tony finally came across a number that turned out to be Cox's brother's and fortunately Cox was there at this moment. "He'll be here in no more than two hours, boss." Gibbs didn't make any sign that he had heard his agent. "Come on Gibbs, I said I was sorry. It was matter of half an hour, not ages!"

"For God's sake, Tony! I don't care about the delay. But your way of life is influencing your job. Yea, it was a small mistake today, but what if this happens in the field?"

"It won't"

"Sleep and food deprivation won't lead to anything else. You can't be on desk work for ages and when you're in the field and I see that you are a threat for your teammates I'll suspend you. Is that clear?"

"Yeah."

Xxx

"Thank you for coming, Mr. Cox." Ziva smiled to the good looking man in front of her. He was tall, with strong hands, brown hair and big, brown eyes.

"Not a problem, just can we hurry up a little bit 'cuz I had to leave my daughter at my brother's house?"

"So did you know that your wife was meeting another man?" Gibbs went straight to the point.

"I wasn't sure, but yes, I suspected her." Mr. Cox admitted.

"Did you know the man your wife was cheating on you with?"

"No. I…I didn't want to know his name."

"Why?"

"I wanted to believe she was only mine, I guess."

"Ok. What happened the night your wife was murdered?"

Mr. Cox took deep breath before answering with tears into his eyes. "Me and Alex were in the dinning room. Sara splashed her white shirt with spaghetti sauce and went upstairs to change. When…when she didn't came back in 20 minutes I went to our bedroom and found her there, with a puddle of blood under her body."

"Were there any suspects?"

"I don't think so, or at least so I was told by the detectives."

A sudden knock followed by the opening of the door stopped the interrogation. "Gibbs, I have something." Abby signed with her hands.

Xxx

"Gibbs, before you say something you should know that I could have just found a killer, well a dead one." Abby started when Gibbs and Ziva followed her in front of the interrogation room. McGee and Tony were also there.

"That fast?" Tony mused.

"My babies are still young and work fast, Tony…I don't mean you're old and slow, Gibbs, just…just…"

"Abs, I don't have time for chats!" Gibbs barked.

"Yes, sorry. Guess what I found when I ran DNA from the hair you brought me?"

"Abby! I might be old but I like to work fast."

"You're not funny, Gibbs…The blond hair belongs to Lieutenant Thomson's wife."

"This means she knew that her husband had a mistress." Ziva concluded.

"Does Mr. Cox know who killed his wife?"

Xxx

Gibbs and Ziva went back to the interrogation room furious, 90% sure that the man sitting there was the killer of a whole family. Gibbs put four pictures, each of a killed family member, on the table and sat quietly, watching his suspect. Ziva went to stand the corner.

"So, you don't know who killed your wife?" Gibbs asked with sarcasm after a few long minutes of silence.

"Agent Gibbs, I have no idea of what you're talking about! What's this family here?"

"THE ONE YOU MURDERED!" Ziva yelled.

"I didn't kill anybody!"

"Look at the boys, Cox." Gibbs pointed to two of the pictures, showing the lifeless bodies of the twins. "Why did you kill these boys? What were they guilty of?"

Mr. Cox trembled, thinking of what he was gonna say. "They…they weren't supposed to be there." He finally mumbled. "It was their parents' fault."

"Then why did you stab the twins?"

"I…I don't know. I just wanted them to suffer, as I am. For a damn moment I thought that there was no a bigger way to make someone suffer than to watch your children while they die. So I stabbed the boys…I'm so sorry, I…I hadn't intend to kill children."

"But you were their to kill their parents." Gibbs said with hatred.

"Yes…Yes, I was there to make Thomson suffer, I made them watch as their kids suffered, then made the lieutenant watch his wife was die…And I'd do it again if I have to. I'm only sorry about the children, they shouldn't have been there."

Xxx

It had been a really hard case for him. Even though Tony tried not show it, he was feeling just like _he_ was the brutal killer. He believed he was the same monster and these heavy thoughts led him to the only place where he could forget about everything.

"Hey, Tony! Long time no see!" Tony recognized the cheerful voice of the bartender. This place had became more home to him than his apartment and the man running it was his friend.

"Nice to be here again, Russ." The agent grinned. "Bourbon, please."

"Problems?" Russ looked at Tony with pity while serving him the alcohol. He had met the agent ten years ago and could tell he was in trouble or just didn't want to be alone. And this time it was the first, it had been this way for months.

"You can say so…Thanks."

Glass after glass, Tony soon stopped thinking, stopped seeing pictures from the past he wanted to forget about. No happy smile, no mischievous look, he was lost and empty from the inside, just like the glass in front of him. He didn't realized how much time he had spent sitting there before something heavy fell over him.

"Are you blind?" Tony barked at the man staying now in front of him. The second man was clearly drunk and two others had gripped him, trying to keep him upright.

"Go to the hell!" The drunken man answered.

"Hey, Tony, calm down!" The bartender pleaded when he noticed what was going on.

"I'm already there." Tony barked, staring at the man.

"Come on man, go home to your wife." One of the two other men spoke, assuming that Tony's problem was connected with a woman.

"What, your bitch is cheating you?" Oh, how wrong these words were. Before somebody could stop him Tony jumped on the drunk man, hitting him two times. The next second, he felt the man's hand connect with his jaw, but before he could hit back one of the friends grasped his hand. Russ ran to Tony and pulled him aside.

"Come on, Nick, let's go!" And the three men disappeared through the door.

Xxx

"Hi Russ, thanks for calling me." Gibbs greeted when entered the bar. The bartender had called him twenty minutes ago, telling him about how drunk his agent was and about the fight.

"Not a problem. I don't know what, but something is terribly wrong with your boy, Gibbs." Russ smiled sadly. He knew the ex-marine as well as he knew Tony and had also noticed the relationship between them.

Gibbs stood unnoticed by his agent for a minute, observing him. A bloody trace from his nose was visible but nothing more serious.

"Dinozzo, what the hell are you doing?" The older man asked gently as he sat on the chair next to Tony.

"What I do best."

"You promised me you'd stop spending your nights at bars."

"Obviously that's not going to happen."

"Come on, we're going to my house. We'll have a long talk tomorrow." It wasn't the right place and time for conversations.

Xxx

Gibbs got up early. It was Thursday and he had to go to work, same as the agent who was still sleeping in his guest room. He went to the small kitchen and poured one big cup of coffee he needed desperately. Because of the events from the previous night and the hard case they had had, the ex-marine hadn't slept well for more than a week.

Thinking about his agent, he started preparing breakfast with scrambled eggs. He'd been having one thought in his mind since the previous night and it seemed to be the right thing for him to do, the only way of helping Tony he could think about.

Having prepared the breakfast, Gibbs sat on one of the chairs around his table just in time to see Tony enter. He was still wearing the clothes from the previous day, with hair really messy and at the top of his bad appearance, he had a nasty bruise on his face.

"Morning." The younger agent mumbled, too ashamed to look at his boss.

"Dinozzo, if you don't hurry up, we'll be late." Gibbs decided to give a hard time to his agent.

"Boss, I…"

"You're not taking a day off."

"Come on boss! What do you want me to do? I know I'm not supposed to have a drink on a school night."

"Then why did you? Look at yourself, Tony. What, you just went there and decided to fight with somebody or what?

"Yeah, whatever you say. I'm going to take a shower."

"Dinozzo!" Gibbs barked, stopping his agent before he managed to leave the kitchen. "Come here and sit…eat!"

"I'm not hungry."

"Don't make me feed you, you're skin and bones…Listen to me . First, I don't care about your opinion. Second, don't make any plans for tomorrow evening. I've just made an appointment with a very close friend of Ducky, Doctor Richard…"

"Hell, boss, I told you I'm not meeting a shrink!" Anger appeared on Tony's face.

"I'll drag you if I have to, Dinozzo…It will last one hour, if it works you'll start meeting him regularly."


	9. Chapter 8

**Hi **

**I know that some of you don't believe Tony will visit a shrink but I couldn't find a better way for Gibbs to find out what he's going to in this chapter.** **I hope you'll be satisfied with it. Please review whatever your opinion is.**

**I don't owe any of the characters. **

**Chapter 8**

"Anthony Dinozzo!" Abby's instructive sounded through the lab where Tony was hiding, in an attempt to avoid his boss and the unpleasant shrink appointment. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Yes." The agent showed his 100-watt smile. "The new episode of "Two and a half men" starts after 23 minutes."

"You know Gibbs is waiting for you upstairs, don't you?" Abby asked with her typical voice. "What are you still doing here?"

"I'm sure he's, Abs."

"And you know he _will_ drag you to the shrink if he has to, right?"

"Hell, I'm a grown-up Abs. I can go wherever I want!"

"A grown-up man wouldn't start a fight in a bar…Now go or I'll tell papa-bear where you are!"

Xxx

The driving towards Doctor Richard's office went by in silence. While Tony was sank into his thoughts, Gibbs was observing him. Even though he was driving, the ex-marine was able to register every single movement of his agent, every tremble of his hand, every change of emotions on his face. But what Gibbs couldn't understand was the pain in Tony's heart. The lead agent knew about its existence but had never got the chance to understand it, to hear about its origin and the reason about it.

_Xxx Two days before Tony and Julie had been kidnapped xxx_

"_Tony, I'm begging you to stop! Tell Vance you can't be a marionette anymore." Julie pleaded with tears falling down her cheeks. She was sitting on the big bed in Tony's bedroom, watching him preparing to go out._

"_Julie, don't." Tony embraced the love of his life. "You know better than me that Vance cares neither about me or about you."_

"_Please…you can get yourself killed!"_

"_My life doesn't worth a penny anymore. I'm not afraid of dying." _

_She sat there speechless for a minute or tw watching him. But when the male agent reached for his personal gun she grabbed his hand and stopped him, looking straight into his green eyes._

"_I'm pregnant."_

_Now it was Tony's turn to stand there speechless. But it was okay, he didn't have to say anything, Julie knew the man in front of her was happy._

"_Please, tell Vance to pull you out. Because of our baby." _

_Xxx End of the flashback Xxx_

"Hey, Dinozzo, let's go!" Gibbs announced when parked the car. Looking over at Tony, he saw that his agent wasn't mentally with him. Something inside him, a tiny, devilish voice was telling him this meeting wasn't going to end well.

Xxx

"You must be Agent Dinozzo and Agent Gibbs!" Doctor Richard exclaimed when somebody opened the door of his office. Gibbs and Tony entered, the younger man looked really sullen, his expression indicating he didn't want to be there and he wasn't pleased at all to meet the physiatrist.

"Nice to meet you." Gibbs shook hands.

"Donald told me a lot about both of you…I'm sorry for you loss, agent Dinozzo."

"Thanks." Tony murmured, sitting down next to his boss. "Look doc, nothing personally but I'm not the type of a man who will sit here for a whole day and talk."

"Anthony, suppressing your feelings isn't the right way of dealing with the situation."

"Call me Tony…and please, don't tell me how to deal with what I have to deal with!"

"Dinozzo!" Gibbs made an attempt to easy his agent. As well as he knew him, Tony hated to reveal or speak about his feelings. Frankly, the ex-marine hated it, too."

"It's ok, agent Gibbs. His grief is understandable. But I think there's something else that's torturing you, am I right?" The doctor shifted his head from Gibbs to Tony, staring at the younger man with sympathetic look.

"You're wrong."

"Really? Because I think you're feeling guilty and blame yourself for something, is that right?"

"No…I blame Vance and the monsters who killed the love of my life." Tony snapped. If Gibbs wasn't sitting next to Tony he would have never guessed that this voice belonged to his SFA.

"I don't understand, why do you blame your director?"

"Because…because I do. Boss, please let's go." Scared. That was how Tony's voice sounded. But the lead agent couldn't get to the bottom of this fear.

"Dinozzo, sit! I need to know, what did Vance do?"

Neither Gibbs nor Doctor Richard was sure the other man had heard the question when he didn't answer for more than a minute.

"Anthony?"

"I secretly met Vance to ask him to pull me out because…because Julie had just told me she was pregnant. All Vance did was to laugh at me. He yelled that we've jeopardized not only our lives but his career as well. And we'll either do our job and finish it, or regret it for the rest of our life. He provoked me to hit him and Roy, my partner, must have heard or saw us. I tried, boss…tried to end this nightmare but the demons from it never allowed me to."

Without anymore explanation, Tony stood up, trying his best to withhold his tears, he left the room in a hurry.

Xxx

An hour later Gibbs parked his car in front of a big, shiny house. Despite the late hour he knocked a few times in a row before he heard steps coming from the inside. After a few more seconds a man dressed in a morning gown opened the door. Gibbs entered not even trying to hide his anger.

"Agent Gibbs, what the hell are you doing!"

"Vance, you son of a bitch! You know damn well why I'm here!" The agent hissed with as much hatred as he could add. A beautiful painting of Vance with his two children and wife hanging on the wall added even more fuel to the fire in Gibbs soul. He remembered Tony's pain when telling him about Julie and their unborn child, and imagined the same pictures, but with the man who actually deserved the smile on his face and a family he had just lost.

"I assume Dinozzo has told you something." Vance stated calmly.

"How could you turn your back on him when he needed support? Why?"

"What support, Gibbs?" Vance laughed loudly. "It wasn't my fault that Dinozzo and Miss. Park got themselves into a mess. Your agent chose the wrong way and I wasn't the one to guide him, he's the only one to blame!"

"Tony followed _your_ orders! He gave up his life because of _your_ operation and now you're telling me he didn't deserve your help when he needed it?" The lead agent was barely resisting the urge to punch Vance in the face. "You knew he wasn't doing well and you just let him do on his own!"

"Sometimes, if we want justice, there should be one or two victims. And we both know Dinozzo wasn't an innocent one. He practically became one of them."

"Tell me one thing Vance. Why did you allow him to go back to work when you think Tony's a criminal?"

"Because I know he will strive to find his justice. And that means we'll arrest our criminal group sooner or later. Dinozzo might be useful."

"I will allow neither you nor SecNav to use him, again. Keep that in mind, _director._"

Xxx

He was walking past street after street. Not even feeling the cold rain that fell on him. It was a rainy Saturday morning, but in his soul, it was an endless dark night. His confession from the previous night was replaying in his mind. Over and over again until he stopped in front of a large flower shop where he found Julie's favorite white roses.

_***Flashback***_

"_It's high time you told me why you prefer white roses. All of the woman I know would have chosen the red ones."_ _This was one of the rare moments during the past months when he had been feeling somehow happy and safe. The smile on her face when Tony had given her a bouquet of 101 white roses had warmed him up to his cold heart and he was able to forget about the rest of the world for at least one night._

"_I'm not like the other woman Tony." _

"_Of course you aren't! Otherwise I wouldn't have gone around half the city to find white roses just for you." Tony's face was shining with pride, and the famous 100-watt smile appeared, it hadn't been on his face since long ago._

"_Ok, I'll tell you. But when we finish with dinner you'll have to carry out my wish." _

"_This seems to be a pretty fair deal…but I would have fulfilled your whishes anyway."_

"_According to some cultures, a white rose means loyalty and devotion. Its message says "You can trust me." Every time you give me a white rose I hear these words and even though you don't say them. I want to believe you're feeling the same way when you're with me as I feel when you give me even one white rose."_

"_I do, baby."_

Xxx End xxx

Tony didn't noticed when he walked across the graveyard and stopped in front of a grave. It was covered with different flowers, but none of them a white rose. It was hard for him to think that this was the first time he visited the place where the love of his life rested in peace. He didn't have the mental power to read the name written on the marble gravestone: "Julie Park, beloved daughter, true friend, hero" Tony's hurt sank when realized that there weren't any special words for him but then remembered that Vance had most certainly taken care to hide the relationship between the two agents. And the fact that Julie had been pregnant… Tony put the bouquet he was holding on the grave and placed his right hand on the gravestone. "I love you" He whispered, moving his fingers to write the words as they exited his lips. He turned around and walked away, without a direction, without feeling. The cold rain dropped on his skin.

Xxx

"Vance, you're late." SecNav stated when the director of NCIS entered his expensive house. Vance sat comfortably in one of the two sofas and SecNav took the second one. A door of the house creaked and a maid-servant holding a tray with two glasses of whiskey appeared.

"Sorry sir, it won't happen again. We may have a slight problem with Special agent Gibbs."

"What kind of a problem, exactly?"

"It looks like we were wrong, sir. Agent Dinozzo has decided to inform Gibbs about some…situations that could have led to his and Agent Park's kidnapping. I don't like the fact that Dinozzo might provide his team with a lot of information about the whole undercover operation."

"Neither do I, Vance! You assured me Dinozzo wouldn't say a word!"

"I thought so. His emotional breakdown is making him unpredictable."

"Then what do you suggest? We _need_ Dinozzo. He doesn't realize it but he's the one who will lead us to the damn group!"

"I have something in mind that will probably work. Of course, only if you give me green light about doing it my way.

"Do what you have to do, I just want the monsters responsible for my son's death to be punished!"


	10. Chapter 9

**Hi :) Sorry that it's been a week since the last update. I intended to update much faster but then I received an offer from the university of my dreams and I was partying. I'll be even happier if you review xD**

**Greetings, Tsvety!**

**I don't owe any of the characters!**

**Chapter 9**

One more month passed without any improvement of Tony's situation or life. Pretending always to be happy during the day, the mask falling in the evening or whenever he was alone.

This night, just like the previous few, he was staying late in the bullpen while everybody was home. Frankly, he didn't want to go to his place where he would feel even worse. So he was spending night after night sitting in his leather chair, thinking, searching, or staring at the blank space. The meeting with Vance a week ago played over and over again in his mind.

_***Flashback***_

"_What do you need me for, director?" Tony asked sarcastically, closing the door of Vance's office. His gut was telling him whatever it was, it wasn't good._

"_Sit down Agent Dinozzo." Vance ordered and Tony obeyed, not sure if he had to._

"_What do you want? Don't tell me you've started a new undercover mission I have to take part in, because I'll only say three words to you…"_

"_Shut up and listen, Dinozzo!" The Director snapped, annoyed with the agent in front of him. "You open your big mouth too often and neither me nor SecNav like it. Keep this in mind and think about it before you decide to tell Gibbs or anyone else something: Your father has been in contact with some not so good people. The money they've been giving him is not as clean as he thinks. If either I or SecNav inform FBI about these deals, your father will spend the rest of his life in prison. Is this clear enough for your thick head to understand?"_

"_Son of a bitch!" Tony hissed in reply, slamming the door hard behind him as he left Vance's office._

_***End of flashback***_

The annoying beep of his computer ended Tony's flashback. The agent looked at the source of the noise; his attention was caught by a description, highlighted in red. "_Roy Andrews, flight A222 from Russia to the USA, 23th of November, 2011." _This meant, the man Tony was desperate to find had landed on USA soil a day ago. And he was pretty sure where he could find Roy.

Xxx

How he had reached Roy's apartment was a mystery for Tony. The boiling anger inside him was so powerful that the agent couldn't think of anything else. His vision was blurry, his body trembled. After two months of unsuccessful searching, he finally had a result.

"Open up!" Tony yelled, knocking on the door of Roy's apartment. Even though the man had enough money, he was living in a pretty run-down building.

"Mark, you're…" But Roy never had the chance to finish his statement. As soon as the door was opened, Tony jumped him, hitting various points of Roy's face and body with an explosion of hate. The agent was feeling every single emotion was leave his body until there was little to nothing left, except for a shield covering the emptiness inside of him. Tony grabbed the man by the throat, pressing him to the wall; blood was running from Roy's nose.

"Are you happy to see me, Roy?" The agent hissed. He ignored the fact that as a federal agent he didn't have the right to do what he was doing.

"Go to the hell!" Roy barely answered, spitting blood on the floor.

"Thanks to you, I'm already there! Tell me where Andrey Petrov is and you'll live!"

"You're a cop, what can you do to me?" Roy laughed. In response, Tony squeezed the man's throat, leaving him cut off from his precious air.

"I'm not a cop today, and I won't be tomorrow! Are you sure you want a proof?" In addition, the agent hit Roy's balls with his knee.

"C'mon man, I don't know!"

"Tell. Me. His. Location!"

"I can't, he'll kill me. Please man, I'm sorry!"

"You don't get this right, _man_, I'll kill you if you don't tell me." Tony was serious. He had every intention to kill the bastard in front of him. The agent reached for his gun, pointing it at Roy's temple, ready to pull the trigger.

"Okay. Okay! Stop and I'll tell you everything I know." Roy's voice sounded somehow scared, completely different from the brave version Tony had heard when he was betrayed by the bastard.

"You're a coward, Roy. Speak!"

"He's still in Russia, making new contacts with a local drug-selling group. What I know is that he'll be back in ten to fourteen days."

"Then what are you doing in DC?"

"He sent me here to keep him up to date with our deals in the USA. You see man, Andrey doesn't trust me much. I was your partner and you turned out to be a cop…"

"Shut up!" Tony hissed. "You'll call me as soon as you know exactly when Petrov is coming back or I'll come here and finish the job. I won't hesitate to kill you. And don't think I'm a fool, Roy, I'll be waiting. One wrong word to somebody and you're dead!"

Xxx

The next morning Tony was late for work, having spent the rest of the night at a bar. McGee and Ziva were the first ones to arrive at the bullpen. And from the mess around Tony's desk, they guessed he hadn't gone home last night.

"I can't pretend everything is back to normal anymore, McGee." Ziva mumbled, still looking at Tony's empty desk. All she wanted was a movie reference or a joke coming from her partner.

"Yea, I know what you mean. But we have to accept that things have changed and…"

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" The elevator doors slid opened and the familiar panic of Abby's voice carried around the bullpen, attracting the attention of the few other people from different teams who had arrived to work early.

"Abby? What's going on?" McGee was the first to ask.

"Do you know what the date is today, McGee?" The Goth stared at the male agent as if he had said something terrible.

"November, twenty-fourth."

"Exactly! We have only two days! Oh God, how could we forget?"

"Abby!" Ziva raised her voice, eager to understand the reason for Abby's panic. "Say it slowly! We do not understand."

"Tony's birthday! It's in two days, we don't have time."

"Geez, it is." McGee mumbled

"We have to cheer him up somehow. I can't stand watching him fall apart any more." Every time Tony masked his pain, she was hurt, every time he declined an invitation for clubbing – she was hurt. She was hurt because the man who was like a big brother to her was hurt. She was hurt because she had no idea what had happened with him or what was continuing to happen.

"A party maybe?" McGee suggested.

"The last thing Dinozzo wants is a big party." All of them practically jumped out of their skin. Gibbs had taken his chair and placed his coffee in front of him.

"We can organize something, but only with his closest friends. I think I have the number of one of his frat brothers."'

"Great…I'll take Palmer and we'll find the perfect present, I promise." Gibbs raised his eyebrow. "Of course after work, Gibbs." Abby added when she noticed the look on Gibbs' face. The truth was, that the ex-marine didn't believe Abby's idea of a small party was even such a good idea.

Xxx

"Oh Molly, Molly, Molly, my…" Ducky's singing stopped as soon as he switched the lights on. He wasn't alone in the autopsy room. Carefully he placed his hat and jacket in their place before turning around, studying the man who was sitting on one of his cold metal tables. Tony had his face hidden in his hands. He wasn't speaking, not even moving. But Ducky was still able to see his swollen left eye.

"God Lord, dear boy, are you hurt?" Without waiting for an answer or permission, the ME got closer to the agent, gently drawing Tony's hands away from his face. What he revealed was a pair of wet, pain-filled eyes full with unmasked feelings. "Anthony, you were drinking last night?"

"Please, don't lecture me Ducky. It's bad enough Gibbs had already called me three times to meet them at a crime scene."

"Yes, Timothy mentioned something about Gibbs being mad, but they left in a hurry. He only told me there aren't any bodies on the crime scene…Anyway, let me take care of this eye of yours."

Ducky had to step back when Tony literally jumped from the table, not allowing the ME to check on him.

"No…I have to go."

"Young man, stop!" The older man blocked Tony's way, determined to get to the bottom of the problem. "How did you get yourself beaten?"

"It's not a big deal, Ducky."

"Why did you stop meeting Doctor Richard?' The ME pushed furthermore.

"I don't need someone to tell me how I feel."

"My boy, what you need is somebody to help you deal with those feelings. Only you know how, but I'm telling you that your way is the wrong one. Now go or Gibbs will get really pissed off."

Xxx

"And you're telling me all you two have found for over an hour is a bloody shoe mark and a paddle?" Gibbs raised his voice allowing to his anger to control him. He was mad at his SFA, tired and at the top of it all - the latest case seemed to be a complicated one. A young, 23 year- old marine was missing. The circumstances around his disappearance were a mystery. His mother claimed she had last seen her son the previous night. She had realized her son was missing at around 11 o'clock, when she had knocked on his door intending to wake him up for work and no one answer, so she walked in. Instead of finding her son, she had found a puddle of blood.

"Exactly. There isn't any evidence. We're dealing with professionals, Gibbs."

A car attracted their attention. They watched as it was parked in front. A few minutes later, Tony joined them.

"Sorry." The SFA mumbled an excuse.

"Hell, Dinozzo! Again?" Gibbs stared at his agent, analyzing the swollen eye.

"Boss, it's not what you're thinking."

"You smell like a pub." Ziva stated, her words only worsening the situation.

"Really? So, you didn't spend your night drinking? Or you're gonna tell me the reason your two hours late for work is 'cause you overslept and didn't hear your phone." The pressure from the last months hit Gibbs, he had to vent his anger on somebody and it happened to be Tony. Unfortunately, Tony wasn't probably the man he should be doing it on right now, but the ex-marine ignored that fact, letting the words slice his agent icily through the heart. They were like salt on an opened wound for Tony.

"That's not fair, boss."

"Yeah well, it also isn't fair to jeopardize your teammate's lives because their partner comes to work drunk or with hangover. Go and give this evidence to Abby. Stay there because right now you're only a threat for the team!"


	11. Chapter 10

**Hi :) How are you doing? I don't know for the rest of the world but the weather here is awful – the temperature is below -20 degrees centigrade. I hope it's warmer in your countries. **

**Please review.**

**I don't owe any of the characters **

**Chapter 10**

Everything was going upside-down for Tony and the team lately. Since the argument with Gibbs a week ago, the SFA had been more devastated than ever. He had been betrayed by the one he thought he could call family and the feeling was killing him. Gibbs' words had deeply hurt the agent.

The only reason he was still there wasn't because of their case, he didn't give a damn about that. It definitely wasn't Gibbs, McGee, Ziva, or even the money. It was about a phone call. Once the phone call, he could leave and take his revenge. After that…well, he was ready to put end to his miserable existence and meet his love somewhere in another world, hopefully a better one.

"Tony, have you contacted Johnson? We need to question him." McGee's question sounded somehow meaningless to him. The last thing he was thinking about at the moment was their case.

"What? Uhm, no I haven't, was about to do it right now."

"I asked you to do it last night! I don't want to be the one who has to tell Gibbs we don't have anything because we haven't questioned our prime suspect."

"Do it by yourself if you think you're more capable, McGee! I have other things to think about." Tony hissed with malice.

"Yeah, thinking about which bar to spend the night at is definitely more important."

Even though McGee's laconic comment hurt the other agent, Tony acted like he hadn't heard it. But no matter how much he pretended to be strong on the surface, the attitude from the people he considered family was pushing him even farther apart from them. Sadly, Tony was wondering why he even cared.

The ringing of his phone attracted McGee and Ziva's attention, both were frowning.

"Tomorrow…ok, what time?" The junior agents exchanged looks while processing the words from the conversation they were able to hear. What made them suspicious was the quiet voice and the fact that their partner was hiding his face while talking, making an effort not to be overheard. "You still owe me a lot."

What happened next was even a bigger surprise, and caused twice as much confusion between the two agents. Gibbs, who had just entered the bullpen, didn't know what was going on.

"Agent Dinozzo, come to my office, _now._" Vance barked, anger written on his face. It took a minute for Tony to decide if he was actually going to obey, and what this even was about. But his gut told him this had something to do with the conversation he had just had.

Xxx

"Stay away from him, Dinozzo." Vance hissed as soon as Tony closed the door of his office.

"What?"

"Stay away from Petrov or you'll face major consequences. Your game is over."

"I don't know what you're talking about, _Director_. I'm not playing a game."

"You're a fool. Were you really think I will allow all these months of such a hard work to be wasted?"

"Son of a bitch! How dare you?"

"You should be more careful who you're talking with nowadays, it's easy to listen in on phone calls…Now listen to me agent Dinozzo, I'll tell you this only once and for your own sake. Forget about Petrov, forget about what happened and start over new. If I find out you're still looking for him you can say goodbye to your career. Understood?"

Instead of answering Tony grabbed his gun and badge and threw them on Vance's desk, looking at him with disgust.

"My career ended at this office when I accepted to work for you."

Tony opened the door with anger and ran downstairs, followed by the director. This scene made him the center of attention of the office. Gibbs, McGee and Ziva were staring at him with questioning expressions.

"You'll be dead the moment you get even close to him!" Vance yelled, but Tony just ignored him while taking the most important stuff from his former desk.

"Don't!" The SFA felt Gibbs gentle grip. But Tony was a dexterous agent and disengaged from his boss easily.

"THEY'LL MAKE ME A FAVOR." He yelled back to Vance and before somebody could react, the agent disappeared, determined to finish his final mission.

Xxx

"Gibbs. Gibbs. Gibbs!" Abby's excited voice interrupted the silence in the squad room where everybody stood like frozen statues. The Goth stopped to look around, sensing that something was terribly wrong. "What's going on?"

Vance didn't even make the effort to say something. Turning around and stomped upstairs, slamming the door of his office.

"McGee! What's going on?" Abby repeated this time louder.

"Tony just left." The male agent mumbled, not sure if he believed his eyes.

"He WHAT? And you didn't do anything to stop him?"

"Ziva, tell me exactly what had happened before Vance spoke with Dinozzo." Gibbs acted strong even though deep down, he was worried sick. He had a bad feeling that Tony had something in mind and it wouldn't end well.

"He...he had forgotten to call Johnson and oh God, I think we hurt his feelings. Then his phone rang, he spoke with somebody for a couple of minutes but turned around, as if making sure we couldn't see what he was talking about."

"Boss, his phone is off." McGee interrupted, obviously trying to track down Tony's phone.

"Abs, can you tell me the last number Dinozzo had spoken with?

"It's going to take some time, but I'm sure I can…Gibbs, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yeah, he's after them." The ex-marine moved closer to the Goth who was barely holding her tears and kissed her as gently as possible on the cheek. "Ziver, go and tell Ducky. I'll be waiting for you two in my car. We're going to his apartment, Dinozzo better be there.

Xxx

"What a mess." Ziva murmured as the entered Tony's apartment. And she was absolutely right. Almost all of the furniture was overturned, Tony's clothes were everywhere. The small table that was still in its place was covered with garbage, empty pizza boxes and…letters. Each one had a name of his teammates and were carefully arranged on the table.

"No." Ziva silently cried out. "These cannot be…cannot be farewell letters."

Without saying a word Gibbs took the one with his name and opened it with shaking hands which nobody noticed.

"_Boss, if you're reading this it means that it's time for the nightmare to end. Please don't judge me, I tried to forget, I tried to begin a new life. You had your revenge, now it's my time…and then, well, I hope that I'll be with my family in a better place. _

_You've always been like a father to me, the one I had never had before I met you, and you were such a great teacher. You were the one I could share everything with. You've always had my six. Well, my head hurt sometimes from your slaps, but I've deserved them all. You should know that my jokes were my way to contribute to the team, my way to enlighten the atmosphere. But now I can't even joke, I can't be myself. I'm like a ghost, without a place to be, without a real home or a family to share it with. I'm empty and this won't change, so it would be better just to disappear and leave this world. I hope I'll meet you again someday in that better place so you can head-slap me as long as you want._

_Goodbye boss, thanks for everything."_

That was all. Everything said in a few lines, S\so sincere and painful. But at that moment, Gibbs wasn't feeling like he had always had Tony's six. He had betrayed the boy by saying he was a threat, a liability for them. And now everything was about to change. A single tear fell unnoticed from Gibbs' blue eyes, blotching Tony's ink on the paper.

Ziva picker up her letter, but wasn't sure if she wanted to read it. Finally, she opened it to find a photo. It was of her and Tony. It had been his favorite one from Paris. With trembling hands she took out a sheet of paper and read.

"_My dear little assassin, _

_I'm sorry, but I have to do what I'm going to do. You know that what's left from me is only a shelf, without a soul. I can't live in a world as dark as mine and pretend to be the Tony you knew._

_You were my best friend, the one who always could make me smile and forget about all bad things around me. I'm sorry I caused you so much pain when I killed Rivkin. I'm sorry for getting hurt so many times because of me. Just please, don't cry over me, but be strong and take care of Abby, because I know she'd cry a lot._

_I want you to keep the photo and let it remind you of me from time to time, I had such a wonderful time with you there in Paris._

_I hope you'll forgive me, Zee-vah." _

No, this couldn't be real. She didn't want to believe it. But thank God, there was still a glimmer of hope left in Ziva's heart, the hope that they would find her friend before it was too late and this meant only a couple of hours.

The third letter was for Ducky. The ME stepped closer to the table and took the white envelope to open it.

"_Hi, Ducky,_

_I know that you'll be the only one who won't judge me and I thank you for it. You're the one who knows so much about my life and my failures and you've never said a word or admonished me. You were like a good, generous grandfather to me, always ready to tell another story. Well, now you'll have another one for telling. Please, just don't use my full name when telling it, because I've always hated to be called Anthony. But still, from your mouth it has always sounded good._

_And, Ducky, please take care of Gibbs. Don't allow him to give the team a hard time or to yell at Abby and Palmer. Take care of yourself too, Duckman. _

_Oh, and now you finally can take my Mickey Mouse stapler. It's all yours."_

Xxx

The trio didn't find anything useful in Tony's apartment. Before leaving Gibbs took the other three letters and put them into his coat.

The drive back to NCIS went in silence. Nobody dared to share the pain in their hearts or to speak because they all knew that if they opened their mouths dozens of tears would have followed those words. "How…how was that possible? Hell, why had he said those words to his _son_? Was it his fault?" Millions of questions pulsed in Gibbs' mind, and none of them could be answered.

Having made it to the building, Gibbs, Ducky and Ziva took the elevator, and after seconds they were all standing in front of Abby's lab.

The lead agent was the first who went in. Ziva and the ME followed him. There, in front of the computer, Abby and McGee were typing furiously and swearing. Palmer was standing off quietly to the side, observing every single move and ready to help.

"Gibbs, Gibbs! What did you find!" Abby asked as she bounded over to him, hugging the ex-marine.

"Abs…promise me not to get upset if I tell you. We still have some time and we will find him."

"Gibbs, you're scaring me…" Abby mumbled looking into the blue eyes. The agent didn't answer. Instead, he dropped his into his pocket, pulling out three white envelops. He gave each to its possessor.

McGee opened it, not ready to read what was written inside. But after an encouraging look from his boss, the younger agent looked at the black, well-written words.

"_Probie, it's not easy to admit it, but I've screwed up. It now looks like I'm not so special, doesn't it? But what's done is done and there's no way back. I have only one way to follow and it's the right one. It's the only way out of my misery. Then…well, I hope I'll go to heaven and be with Julie. But I'll doubt I'll probably ever make it.. So, I'll try to annoy the devil as much as I did you, plus more, just for fun._

_Seriously, McGoo, you are such a capable agent with a bright future in front of you. Therefore, don't weaken because of anybody, be strong. I've tried to make you strong enough to resist to all bad things in our world. _

_Now you're the one who has to be the glue for our team, take care of them. _

_You're a good man McGee, and I hope that you won't hate me. Just remember one thing from the old Anthony Dinozzo: "If you want something to be done, make it look funny."_

McGee was the only one to read his letter. Palmer grabbed his and went somewhere in private. Abby, trying very hard not to start crying, put hers in the only locked drawer that was in her lab, refusing even to look at it.

"Tony's not dead, I'm not opening it." She explained without being asked. But they all could understand her pain. They were feeling it.

"Boss, we're working on finding the last person Tony has spoken with." McGee explained instead of Abby who was too upset to speak. "But there's something else…" The agent stopped talking as if wondering if he was allowed to say what he was about to.

"McGee!"

"Yes, ok, so we know that somebody has been taping Tony's calls for quite some time now."

"Who?" Gibbs and Ziva barked at the same time.

McGee swallowed before answering. "Vance."

Xxx

How beautiful the park looked like at night! Tony was walking slowly, without direction, rethinking a lot of things that were bothering him.

"_You're a threat for the team." _Gibbs' words were refusing to go away. They were stuck in what was left of his heart. It was so painful for him. The man he had trusted with his life had betrayed him. Was there anybody he could trust? The answer only exalted his initial intention for ending his life. He had absolutely nothing left in this world.

Tony passed by a bench where a homeless man was sitting. He was staring at the stars in the chilly night. Something in this poor, middle-aged man made the agent stop and sit next to him. It was so strange, the one was poor, the other had enough money to buy expensive suits and spend nights at bars, but both of them were unhappy and desperate.

"Are…are you ok?" Tony asked when he saw that the man wasn't recognizing his presence.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" The question surprised the agent but he understood it, the sky really looked wonderful.

"Yea…What are you doing so late in the park? Tony asked.

"It's mine home."

"Don't you have somewhere to go, a shelter or something?"

By the sarcastic laugh of the homeless man Tony understood the answer.

"I lost my wife, my job, my house, my kids left me long ago…all I have is this bench and the sky." Tony felt something for the man, it wasn't pity but respect. Respect that after all the bad things in his life he had found a reason to stay alive. "And you? Why do you sit here with a strange, homeless man instead of being home?"

"The last time I felt alive was in this park…and I wish I were like you." Tony showed s smile, full of pain and sorrow, but a real one.

"Like me? You must be kidding me. You look like you have money and a good job, why would you want to be like me?"

"Yea…I had a good job which I loved, and a family there. Now I have only the money and pain. You may be poor but you have your tiny wonderful world."

"You do seem to be a good boy. What on earth makes you give up your life?'

"It's a long and boring story. It's not worth telling. Here, take this." Tony took a check out of his inner coat pocket. He had decided to donate a significant part of the money he had, but the poor man needed it more than a charity organization. "It's not much but you can rent a small apartment and find a job."

"Why…?"

Tony stood up and kept walking. He turned around and answered,

"I won't need money in the place I'm going to."

Xxx

Nobody went home that night. McGee and Abby had been digging into Tony's computer for hours, relying on Caf-Pow to keep them awake. Ducky was sitting in his second home, doing something he hated - a psych profile of the agent he loved like son. Gibbs had been walking around, trying to calm down his nerves. He had literally run to the director's office, ready to kill Vance but the director wasn't there. This fact pissed the former marine even more. How could Vance dare leave when Tony's life was threatened? Walking through the building without direction, Gibbs ended up in the autopsy room.

"Jethro, you better get rest. I've just made the young Timothy and Abigail do the same. Frankly, it was quite hard." Ducky tapped his friend on the shoulder.

"I can't Duck. I swear if something happens to Dinozzo, I'll never be able to forgive myself."

"Did you speak with Vance?"

"The bastard went home. I'll kill this son of a bitch, Duck. He's been using Dinozzo again…is this Tony's psycho profile?"

"Yea, it is. I've never imagined I'd be writing it Jethro."

"I've betrayed him." Gibbs finally said the words that had been torturing him for hours. Sitting down on one of the cold metal autopsy tables, he ran his fingers through his hair. "He trusted me. How…how didn't we notice how bad he was getting? Suicidal letters, Duck? How…why?"

"We are all to blame, Jethro, starting with the director and SecNav and ending with Anthony himself. But we have to say it. It's high time we confessed the truth. Anthony had become a different man long before his kidnapping. This operation killed some part of him. And as soon as _we_ can accept it, we'll be able to help Anthony start over new. We have to show him he's still a member of the family, and that it doesn't matter that he isn't his old self."

"What family, Duck? Family members don't turn their backs on each other. If we…if we don't find him in time, this team is over. We'll be the people who would have pushed him over the edge."


	12. Chapter 11

**Hey, here's the next chapter. Sorry for the wait. I wanted to post it for my b-day but I couldn't log in in this site. Thank God I managed to do it this morning.**

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**I don't owe any of the characters.**

**Chapter 11**

There were five hours left until Petrov's plane landed on USA soil. Tony was sure there would be at least three armed men guarding his target. He knew that it was impossible to kill the man he hated at the airport. If he even tried to get close enough to Petrov and pull the trigger without threatening the lives of the innocent passengers, he'd be dead before accomplishing his mission.

But during the four months Tony had worked for Petrov, he had learned his daily routines. The Russian loved playing sports and preferred to do it alone. Actually, Tony had jogged with him a few times and knew where and when to find the man.

"_Everything ends this evening"_ The agent thought. He was sitting in a café near the airport. His plan was to follow Petrov from the airport to his expensive flat and wait for the perfect moment to kill him. Tony was determined to take his revenge, no matter the price he would have to pay. Nothing was important anymore, only this.

Xxx

When Vance entered his office in the morning he found a small surprise. Gibbs was sitting in his leather chair with one of his toothpicks in his mouth, holding a file with big red words on the top saying, "Confidential".

"Morning, director." The ex – marine greeted. For the past hour, he'd been reading with disgust the uncountable amount of information about his agent and his 'Secret' undercover mission. The information he had learned, went beyond his expectations. He had never ever suspected that the director of NCIS and the secretary of the Navy could use somebody for personal vendettas.

"Have you lost something in here, Gibbs?"

"Actually I have - my agent." The ex-marine snapped, closing the file.

"Then I suggest you find him before he does something irretrievable."

Gibbs clenched his fist, suppressing the sudden desire to hit Vance in the face. "You knew that this so called operation would ruin the life of the one who you sent undercover and you still chose Tony! Tell me one thing Vance, why do you hate him so much? What are you afraid of? Give me one reason, only one, because I don't understand why you would sacrifice one of the best agents in this agency. How can you take advantage of him twice and still sleep well?"

"I don't have to answer to your question, agent Gibbs. Don't waste your time. Go and find Dinozzo. Because I swear, I'll charge him with whatever illegal thing he does this time."

"Listen to me, Leon, because I'll say it only once. Your career is over and I'll make sure you go to jail. If you want to save your worthless ass tell me where I can find Tony!"

"Go out of my office!" Vance yelled, realizing that Gibbs wasn't bluffing. He had only one option and it was connected with Petrov's death. The scenario he was thinking of was simple: to kill the Russian and accuse Tony of it. He already had all of the evidence needed; Jarvis' reports were in his hands. Tony was reported as mentally unstable. The entire agency was aware of his drinking problems and Ducky could confirm that the agent was aggressive. It was also widely known that Tony wanted revenge. Vance was a hundred percent sure that Tony would be at the airport, which meant there would be video tapes of him being there.

When Gibbs slammed the door leaving Vance alone in his office, he opened the nearest drawer. There was Tony's official gun. Vance took it and locked the drawer, standing up to dial SecNav. A brief moment later, he left his office.

Xxx

"Abby, talk to me!" Gibbs barked, entering Abby's lab. It was weird not to hear the usual loud music or see the Goth jumping for joy. Instead, there were an angry McGee and a sad Abby.

"The last call on Tony's phone was from Roy Andrews."

"Hell, that name was in Vance's confidential file!" The ex-marine snapped, remembering the name he had read. "McGee, I want his address."

"It's on my phone boss."

Not bothering to say anything, Gibbs headed out of the lab and toward the elevator, followed by his junior agent. The lead agent punched the upward button so hard; no one would be surprised if it broke.

"Ziver," She was deeply lost within her own thoughts that she didn't hear him, until she felt the calloused hand of her boss on her back. "Let's go, we have a name."

Xxx

"ANDREWS OPEN UP!" McGee yelled, ready to kick the door down of the apartment Roy was currently living in. Ziva and Gibbs were at his sides as backup. They wouldn't hesitate to kill him if they had to. But unfortunately, they needed him. Roy opened, only to face three guns, pointed at his head.

"Wait! Wait! Who are you guys?"

"Tony Dinozzo. Speak!" Gibbs preferred not to lose any time explaining.

"What? I told him everything I know. What does he want from me now?"

"What did you tell him?" Ziva made one step forward and entered. This action scared Roy enough to know they meant business and that lying wasn't even an option at the moment.

"He…he wanted some information about Petrov. I told him everything I know. Tell Dinozzo to leave me alone, he'll get me killed!"

"I'll kill you if you don't tell us the same thing you told Tony." Ziva threatened, pressing her gun to Roy's forehead.

"Ok okay, I'll tell you. But I want protection. Petrov's going to kill me."

"Don't worry, prison is pretty safe. Is Tony after Petrov?" Ziva hissed. Sometimes she hated the US legal system. It would have been so much easier to use one of her Mossad techniques instead of this.

"The man is crazy. Came here some time ago and beat the crap out of me, threatening to kill me if I don't call him as soon as Petrov tells me when he's coming back and where. I called Dinozzo yesterday. Petrov's plane is landing in 30 minutes."

"Boss, Tony must be there." McGee spoke for the first time since they had entered the apartment.

"He won't do anything at the airport." Roy looked at McGee who was more worried for his friend than ever. "I've been his partner for long enough to know he's not stupid. Dinozzo knows Petrov won't be alone. Your man is dead if he tries to kill Petrov there."

"McGee, cuff him and wait for Fornell. He should be here any minute. Meet you at the airport." Gibbs ordered. He didn't want to lose a second more. Tony's life was in danger.

Xxx

"Mr. Secretary." Vance nodded slightly to SecNav. Neither of them looked happy to be at the airport but their choice was limited. The big clock behind them was indicating that there were only six minutes until the plane landed.

"What are you planning to do, Leon?" Jarvis wasn't in a mood for showing good manners.

"With Dinozzo or Petrov?"

"Both of them are obstacles. If Dinozzo manages to get to Petrov first, you know what to do, right?"

"Don't worry Mr. Secretary. I'll handle Dinozzo."

"_Flight 364 from Moscow to DC has just landed. You can meet all passengers on gate 3_."

The message ended the conversation and Vance and Jarvis directed themselves to the place where they could easily reach Petrov. But what they didn't know was that going closer to Petrov was a suicidal mission.

Gibbs, Ziva and McGee had just entered the main entrance and also heard the message. Without losing any time they started running towards gate 3.

When Tony noticed the two men he hated with his entire heart - SecNav and the director of NCIS, his whole world fell apart. He had entirely forgotten that they also knew where to find Petrov. The agent hid in the crowd which was waiting to meet the passengers, observing Vance. He preferred to die but not to let Vance get to Petrov first.

Gibbs, McGee and Ziva ran full speed through the airport; gate 3 was at the complete opposite side of the airport.

"Dammit!" All of a sudden Gibbs stopped, the junior agents following. They could not see what the ex-marine was staring at. "That son of a bitch won't get away with this." The ex-marine swore so only the three of them other two could hear.

"Who?" McGee and Ziva asked in confusion.

"Vance. He and Jarvis set up a trap for Dinozzo."

"Boss, the passengers are coming…" McGee stated. That was when he spotted Tony sneaking through the crowd towards the gate.

Xxx

All his plans went to hell when Tony saw Vance and SecNav getting closer to Petrov. Were they that naive or just stupid? It was clear that the Russian wouldn't be alone. Even the biggest idiot would have known that.

"Don't!" The agent hissed in Vance's ear, aiming his gun at him. He was fast enough not to be seen by anybody, not even by Petrov's people. "Don't even think of it, _sir_." There was sarcastic tone in his voice, directed to Jarvis. Whose hand was on his gun "I found Petrov first. He's mine!" Tony emphasized at the last words.

"Dinozzo, do you realize what you're doing?" Vance murmured, watching the three men that now guarded Petrov.

"Saving your ass, his people would kill you the moment you enter Petrov's personal space.

"You're aiming a gun at the director of NCIS! You won't get away with it."

"Shut up and be grateful you're not dead. Because that's what you deserve…"

"Dinozzo!" Tony's heart stopped as he heard the familiar voice of his boss. _'Just great' _the agent thought before he pushed Vance to the ground and disappeared into the crowd.

As quickly as they could, McGee and Ziva went behind Petrov with guns pointed at him.

"NCIS! I want to see your hands!" McGee yelled loud enough to be heard by the suspects. "Get on your knees, all of you." With the cuffs Vance and SecNav had brought with them, they cuffed all four men. Two or three minutes later FBI agents joined the airport party, taking over the monsters responsible for ruining so many precious lives.

"McGee, we have to find him!" Ziva's statement reminded McGee of the real reason they were at the airport. Gibbs had already gone after his agent.

Xxx

"Dinozzo, stop!" Gibbs yelled, following Tony out of the airport. The ex-marine was really surprised at how fast his agent could move.

"Go to hell, you and everybody else!" The younger agent yelled back, taking a glance at the ice blue eyes of Gibbs for the first time in a long time.

"If I have to arrest you to make you listen to me I'll do it." There was determination in Gibbs voice.

"I've listened to you enough. I don't need anybody to tell me how I feel or what I should do." Tony chose his words carefully. There wasn't a trace of his usual mask. For the first time in his life he willingly let his boss see his emotions. This time there were no tears in the hazel eyes. They were dark, sad and dead. "I'm done talking or listening to anybody. I regret I choose to save Vance instead of kill Petrov, but I hope they'll end up in the same prison. Good-bye Gibbs." Tony turned and ran. To his own surprise, Gibbs took out his gun and pointed at Tony. He didn't intend to use it, but a tiny part of him hoped it would affect his agent.

The SFA didn't even turn around to look at Gibbs. He knew the ex-marine would never pull that trigger but he hoped to be wrong. It would be for the better if everything ended right then and there.


	13. Chapter 12

**Hello to all of my loyal readers :) Here's one of my favorite chapters and I hope you'll like it, too. Please comment and let me know what you think.**

**I don't owe any of the characters.**

**Chapter 12**

The NCIS building was empty, except for the two most powerful men in the agency. Stepping out the elevator, SecNav followed by Vance crossed the bullpen towards the director's private office.

"You're not any better than your men, Leon. You screwed up just like Dinozzo did!" Jarvis' angry voice scared Vance.

"We'll have Petrov, sir."

"You must be some sort of a magician if you believe we stand a chance." SecNav hissed. His whole career flashed trough his mind and he saw its epic end. "We'll be lucky if we still have jobs tomorrow."

"I have information against every single member of team Gibbs. If they love their families they'll keep their mouths shut." Vance's face broadened into a disgusting grin.

"But Dinozzo has nothing to lose. You may know a lot about his father's deals but what makes you so sure that Dinozzo cares about his old man?"

"Don't underestimate me, sir. If they miraculously find him before he ends his miserable life, he'll spend the rest of it either in a jail or in an institution. I told you that his mental illness can be easily proven. Nobody will believe anything he says."

"For God's sake Leon, Dinozzo saved your life in the airport." It was hard for Jarvis to accept Vance's plan. It had already gone too far and it was unacceptable for him to falsely put a young man into an institution or jail for the rest of his life.

"Mind your own business, sir. You promised me to let me do it my way. If you don't like it, go away. But I won't give up my career because of Anthony Dinozzo."

The room remained silent while SecNav made a decision. "Call the director of FBI. I want Petrov here but nobody should know about it. Ask him not to allow Gibbs and his team any access to Petrov…And Vance, be careful what you do to Dinozzo. I won't tolerate you doing any more harm to him. If they find him in time, I'll offer him early retirement in exchange of not telling anything to anybody."

xxx

"I don't care, Fornell, I'll be the one who'll question Petrov." Gibbs snapped and hit the elevator stop button. Even though his priority was to find Tony, alive, he was determined to turn Petrov's life into a hell.

"Ok, as long as it depends on me, Gibbs. But you know better than me that your director has already spoken with mine. He promised Vance not to give any NCIS agents access to Petrov and his people."

"I know. Vance is a damn son of a bitch who'll face the consequences of jeopardizing Tony. Frankly Fornell, I don't understand why Dinozzo saved his ass at the airport. "

"He's a good boy, Gibbs, even I know it…listen, he's in a lot of trouble. There's a rumor Vance plans to arrest him."

"Hell he will. All I need to do right now is find Dinozzo alive. Then the one who'll be arrested will be Vance and whoever else is responsible for this mess."

"Call me if you need me. I kind of like your boy and I'll be missing accusing him of murders." Fornell grinned, lightening the mood for a brief moment. Gibbs hit the stop button for a second time and the nightmare picked up from where it had left off

Xxx

Gibbs rushed into the men's room. Luckily, it was empty. He stepped up to the fountain and splashed some water on his face. Lifting up his head, he looked straight into the mirror. The man he saw looked about ten years older, tired, and desperate.

"Don't give up, son." The ex-marine mumbled. The thought that he could lose his son, flashed through his mind, bringing back tons of memories.

_*****Flashback*****_

_It was a sunny morning, about a month before Tony's kidnapping. He entered the NCIS bullpen and found something unusual. For the first time in a long time, he wasn't the first one to arrive at work. _

"_Abs?" The ex-marine raised his eyebrows in confusion staring at the woman who sat at his desk. There were two cups in front of Abby, a large Caf-Pow, and a large starbucks coffee that he could smell when the elevator doors had first opened. _

"_Have you seen Tony recently?" Abby snapped back. Her gruff tone puzzled Gibbs even more._

"_I know he's not doing well, Abs. We've discussed it three times so far. I can't pull him out against his will."_

"_You can if you wish. Leroy Jethro Gibbs is capable of everything." Abby stood up and got closer the agent. She narrowed her eyes and looked at Gibbs. "I went to his apartment yesterday and found him staring at a photo of him and Julie. They had had a picnic at a meadow in the park. Tony explained that it had been the last time he had felt alive…I want our Tony back, Gibbs."_

"_The operation will end soon and we'll have him back, Abs." _

"_You said the same thing the last month…and the month before it. Only you can persuade Vance to stop using Tony. Why do you refuse to do it?" _

"_Sometimes it's better to deal with the problem by yourself. It might be the only way for him to overcome his depression and hatred to the world. If I pull Tony out now I won't do him any favor. He needs to do it himself." _

_Abby nodded slightly. "I know but when I saw his smile on the photo yesterday I wished we had had that much fun together. I miss his smile, his laugh…"_

"_We'll have much more fun, Abs, I promise." Gibbs kissed her forehead. _

_*****End of flashback*****_

Gibbs realized he had made a mistake. Abby had been right, he should have pulled Tony out when he it was still possible, before he had gotten too deep. If only he had, his agent could have been sitting in his leather chair, throwing paper balls at McGee.

"The photo" Gibbs remembered. He had seen it next to the good-bye letters in Tony's apartment but had completely forgotten about it after reading his letter.

xxx

"Ziva, my dear, do you remember the picture of Anthony and Julie which was on his table next to the letters?" The memory of the photo had been bugging Ducky since he recalled he had seen it. It was strange how quiet the team could be. Waiting for Gibbs to join them in Abby's lab, they were giving their best to come up with an idea.

"The one from the park?"

"Exactly, it was the only photo in his apartment. What does it tell you?"

"Oh my God! How could I not remember it earlier!" As if Abby finally woke up from the silent trance she had been in for the last day or two. She jumped from her chair the moment Gibbs entered. "I met Tony about three months after he went undercover. He was looking at a photo of him and Julie. You can't imagine how happy he was while telling me about their picnic. But then his face became sad and blank again when he said that it'd been the last time he had felt alive. Can…is it possible for him to be there right now?"

"It's getting dark, it would be…" McGee tried to tell what the real situation was but he stopped talking when saw the tears in Abby's eyes.

"Abby, do you know exactly where it had been taken?" Ziva ignored McGee's remark.

"Yes." Abby nodded. At the same time Gibbs stormed in the lab.

"Let's go." Gibbs barked and before anybody could say something he had already gone back to the elevator.

Xxx

For a second night in a row Tony found himself sitting on a bench in the park. He was looking straight at the green meadow. This time there was not a stranger he could share his thoughts with. The park was empty only cold raindrops falling from the dark, rumbling sky accompanied him.

'_How fitting'_ he thought

A bottle of bourbon sat next to him, the gun in his hands revealed him, his feelings, and his story. But there was nobody to listen, and there was nobody to stop him…but Tony didn't want to be stopped. He didn't need anybody to pull the trigger for him.

"_I want to spend the eternity with you." _He heard Julie's voice whisper from the meadow he continued to stare at.

"You will." Feeling his own hot tears falling on his cheeks, Tony raised the gun, letting his eyes close in almost relief knowing it was almost over.

"Tony! ...Son, don't." With the gun pointed up under his chin, the agent opened his eyes. Gibbs, Abby, Ziva, McGee and Ducky were there, looking at him with desperate terrified eyes.

It began to rain harder, pouring.

Tony pretended he hadn't heard anything. It was so much easier not to look at them and finish the job.

"You're not a coward, Tony. Dinozzo's don't give up." Ziva overcame her initial shock and spoke.

"Give me the gun." Gibbs almost whispered, stepping up closer to the bench. But a movement of Tony's hand stopped him, scaring him out of his mind, as if he wasn't already, and it wasn't easy to scare Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

"Leave me alone." They barely heard his empty voice. "I'm not worth your efforts."

"What? I don't want to hear it, Dinozzo." It had taken him years to make Tony believe his life wasn't worthless and now everything was at the stage it had begun.

"You…you said it. I'm a threat."

"Tony, please." Abby couldn't stay silent any more. "You're family, we love you."

"I don't have a family…GO AWAY!"

"We're your family…we want to help you." Something in Abby's voice made Tony listen, made him speak, yell.

"NO! I don't deserve it, Abby… I'm sorry." He whispered the last part, thinking only of when to pull the damn trigger. The only thing he had to do was to press the cold metal and then he could be with Julie and their baby. It was the only way he could run away from the world where he was a killer like the people who had taken the most precious things away from him.

"Is this what Julie would have wanted if she were here?" Abby pushed a little harder, hitting Tony's weak spot hard. Ducky, Ziva, McGee and Gibbs were listening, desperately hoping that the Goth's words could prevent the worst. As they stood there speechless and breathless, they understood what _they _had done. They remembered their own attitude and wished only to have a second chance to make up for what they had said.

"She is not here…because of me."

"She's not here because they killed her, not you."

"No…no…no. They killed her because I was weak…I couldn't do it anymore, I…" Taking advantage of the moment of weakness, Abby crouched down in front of him and took the gun. Moving p to sit next to him, she wrapped her arms around Tony in a gentle embrace.

Everybody's eyes met. One unspoken question was waited for an answer which nobody knew: _"What now?"_ – Were they able to build up their friendship again? How could they gain his trust back this time?


	14. Chapter 13

**Hi there ;) Here's chapter 13 and sadly, there aren't many left to be posted. I'm writing the final chapter right now and I'm open for ideas. I'll be happy to know what you'd want to see at the end. **

**Please review**

**I don't owe any of the characters.**

**Chapter 13**

Tony wasn't feeling anything else but cold. He was wet but he didn't care. He hadn't eaten or slept for days, but did it matter? No.

Tony had spent the last half hour in a dark guestroom of the house of a man he didn't want to see. But actually – he didn't care. He had been sitting on the wooden floor, leaning against the wall, knees drawn to his chest in an attempt to shut down his mind and the world out, to stop seeing the faces of Leroy Gibbs, Vance, SecNav and Petrov.

"_Shame on yourself Anthony, you're not even capable of ending your worthless life." _For some reason, Tony heard the voice of Dinozzo Senior. Maybe he was right. Maybe his father had always known what a big failure his son was.

"Anthony my boy, you better change these wet clothes before you get a cold." The agent had no idea when Ducky had entered but he could smell the homemade sandwich the old ME was carrying with him.

"I don't have anything to wear." Tony responded without showing any sign that there was somebody else in the room.

"Jethro offered one of his sweatshirts and a pair of jeans. I've already sent Timothy and Ziva to your place to bring your stuff here."

"I don't want his clothes!" Tony didn't want anything to remind him of Leroy Jethro Gibbs. He didn't want to hear this name. "Go away, Ducky."

"Sorry my boy, but I'm not going anywhere until you eat your sandwich."

"I'm not hungry." It was a lie. He was hungry, no he had been hungry, but he had lost his appetite.

"Please, I need to be alone for a while."

The psychiatrist inside the ME was telling him it wasn't smart to leave someone in this state of mind alone. But his heart couldn't bear watching the young boy suffer. It was bad enough that Tony had lost his faith in Gibbs, Ziva and McGee, and Ducky couldn't afford to be the next one who'll cause pain to the agent.

"As you wish my boy, I'm leaving the sandwich here just in case you change your mind." Ducky placed the plate on the floor, at Tony's right side. "Jethro is really sorry, as are Timothy and Ziva." Even though the words were meaningless to the younger man, Ducky decided to say them. A part of him was praying that his young fellow would believe in them."

Xxx

When Ducky went back to the living room, he found Abby and Gibbs.

"How is he?" Abby jumped from the armchair she had been sitting in. She didn't look like the usual Abby – there were no pony tales or mascara. Her smile was gone, replaced by traces of tears.

"Depressed, sad, angry, faithless…"

"Do you think he'll speak to a shrink, Duck?"

"Hell, Jethro, Anthony doesn't even want to be here. Yes, he came here willingly but he doesn't care where he is. He doesn't care if he's alive or not."

"I'm going to stay with him. He…he shouldn't stay alone." Abby tried to be strong but for a hundred time she was on the verge of tears, if there were any left to be cried.

"Abs, don't. Give him the chance to calm down." Gibbs' voice stopped her.

"Don't tell me what to do! We did this to him, now it's our responsibility to fix it!" Abby said coldly. She knew why her friend didn't want to see anybody and she couldn't blame him for it. There was one thing on the Earth the Goth hated and it was the moment when the fault was Gibbs'. She had felt the same way when she had found out that he had killed the killer of Shannon and Kelly. Now, for a second time in her life, she was disappointed with the ex-marine.

A sound of broken glass coming from the within Tony's room ended to the conversation.

"I'll stay with him, like it or not Gibbs."

Xxx

With a slight knock Abby opened the wooden door of the spare room and entered. Pieces of glass shone in front of her, in the darkness.

"Are you ok?" With trembling voice she asked. The Goth sat next to him and grabbed his bloody hand. Uncurling the fingers, a tiny glass felt on the floor. "Tony, look at your hand! Ducky should take care of it."

"No!" The agent caught Abby's hand before she stood up. "I don't want them here."

"But it probably hurts like crazy!" The woman argued, the minute she realized, she regretted it. Tony released his grip, looking away, hiding his own feelings.

"Do whatever you want Abs, I don't care."

"Anthony Dinozzo! If I hear those words once again, I'll slap you! I won't allow you to sit here and pity yourself!"

"What do you want me to do, Abs?" Tony raised his voice, allowing to his emotions to bubble to the surface. "My life ended long ago, it's a truth you need to accept."

"No Tony. You've given up."

"What other choice did I have? I don't have the strength to wear a mask anymore."

"You don't have to pretend it didn't happen. Just be yourself, be Tony Dinozzo we all know and love. Be the fighter, the strong-willed man I met then years ago."

"Abs, how can you believe in me after what I did? Hell, I killed…" Tony's confession was stopped by Abby's fingers which she placed on his mouth.

"Shhh…it's not the time. I believe in you 'cuz I know you. You're a good man Tony and we all know it. It depends on you to allow us to support you. I'll go and tell Gibbs you're ready to meet him…please do it for me."

Xxx

For a second time in the last few days, Ziva entered Tony's apartment. Nothing had changed since the last time she'd been there – it was messy, dark and definitely not cozy.

"What a mess." McGee exclaimed, walking two steps behind Ziva. He had always admired how his friend's apartment looked like, but its appearance wasn't the same. "I still cannot understand why Tony turned this place into a mess when he was practically living at the office." Ziva commented.

"Judging by the date of expiring marked on these pizza boxes, it's been a while since somebody has lived here." McGee stated. "Tony's lucky he lives in a well-kept building. If something like this happened to my place, I'd have to share it with mice and cockroaches."

"It won't be that bad, McGee. Actually cockroaches are considered as food in some countries." Ziva laughed. She walked to the window in Tony's living room to open it, letting fresh air in.

"I prefer a steak and a beer." McGee said after finding but nothing but tap water and moldy food. "I'll go and get some clean clothes, if there are any. Why don't you choose some of his DVDs. They might cheer him up."

"I have a better idea." The Israeli disappeared into the bathroom and returned a few seconds later with a broom, dust-pan, mop, and a dish-cloth. She handed the last two to the male agent before looking around and deciding where to start sweeping from.

"Gibbs will kill us for staying here so long. Tony just needs clothes." McGee made a good point.

"If we want to help him we can't let anything reminds him of the hell he's been going through, McGee. There are too many memories which will be stuck into his mind forever. What do you think will happen when he comes here and sees his own mess? Plus, Gibbs has got enough clothes to be able to lend some of them for a while."

"Yea, it's not like Tony ignores him, Ziva."

The ex-mossad narrowed her eyebrows and smiled. "Believe me, McGee, Abby's more than capable of making him talk to Gibbs. Now let's clean up this place."

Xxx

Everybody has their own way of dealing with their emotions. In Gibbs' case, working on his boat was the best way to calm himself. Being down in the basement, alone, he had plenty of time to think about the past months and the future. He realized how many mistakes he had made and promised himself never to repeat them. First in his list was not to ignore his gut anytime soon. He had sensed that something was wrong with his agent a long time ago, but a tiny part of him had the false perception that Tony had been fine.

A noise caused by steps caught his attention. The ex-marine expected it to be Ducky or Abby, but he had never imagined he'd see SecNav in his own basement. Jarvis went down the stairs and stopped a few feet away from the agent who didn't bother to look at him. "Agent Gibbs, we need to talk." Jarvis stated calmly.

"I have nothing to talk to you about." Gibbs murmured, rubbing his boat with sandpaper.

"Well, I do."

"Really?" The ex-marine stopped working and stared at SecNav. "How dare to come here after everything you did to Tony?"

"I'm aware that our operation went too far. And we all will face the consequences. But the real victim here is Agent Dinozzo. Believe it or not, I don't think he deserves to suffer. But let's be honest – Vance's illusion is that he'll save his career by arresting your boy and putting him into a psychiatric facility. I don't like his plan."

"And you're telling me this because…" Gibbs couldn't believe the story.

"…because I want to save my ass, and Dinozzo has been through hell, he doesn't deserve anymore."

"What's your offer exactly?" The ex-marine snapped.

"I'll fire Vance, testify against him and vindicate Dinozzo to his position of a SFA if you help me save my career. I won't tell you that I want him behind bars with a death penalty because I'm sure as hell you'll take care of it. I don't give a damn about Vance. You can do whatever you wish to him. But in exchange, you and your team will keep your mouth shut about my participation in the operation."

"You're underestimating me, sir." Gibbs laughed with disgust. "I can put both you and Vance in prison. I don't need you."

"You're right, agent Gibbs. But you forget about something important – Agent Dinozzo. If I go to prison, he'll be doing a very long sentence in the cell next to mine. Or he'll be locked in a psychiatric facility. Dinozzo's life is in your hands."

"I can't believe you're exchanging what's left of Tony's life for your career." Gibbs clenched his fist. He was losing the battle but the war wasn't over yet.

"Yea, there's nothing fair in this world. Decide now, agent Gibbs. Do we have a deal?"

"I want it on paper, signed by you, that you won't charge Tony of anything and you're vindicating him to his position of a senior field agent."

"Doing business with you is such a pleasure." SecNav smiled. "You'll have it by the morning."

xxx

So much had changed since the last time Gibbs had visited his agent in this room. It had been just after he had been released from the hospital. He was the only one Tony had shared his secrets with, and now Gibbs didn't even know how to start a conversation with his son.

The ex-marine entered his guest room, holding the same sweatshirt Ducky had offered Tony a few hours ago. He sat on the large bed and tried to meet Tony's eyes but it was clear that the younger agent was avoiding his gaze on purpose.

"Tony please, look at me."

Tony obliged, he had promised to Abby and didn't want to betray her. Because he knew what the feeling of being betrayed by a loved one felt like.

"Why…why did you stop me?" The truth was that the agent couldn't stop asking himself the simple question. He needed, no; he had to know the answer.

"Your life is worth saving."

Tony laughed sarcastically before finally dropping what was left from his mask. "I'm not that special, you said it. Now Gibbs, tell me, why did you save my worthless life?"

"We need you…I need you. Look Tony, I said things I shouldn't have, things I didn't really mean."

"It's ok. I know I screwed up badly this time. But I…" The younger agent stopped in the middle of his sentence, turning his head to the other side, which seemed to be his new thing. "Never mind."

"No say it, Dinozzo."

"I trusted you. I was thinking that at least you wouldn't turn your back on me whatever happens. But I was wrong." The confession came out as an almost intelligible mumbling. But Gibbs understood the sentence and mentally kicked himself for betraying the man in front of him. It was rare to hear Tony speak about his feelings. The few times he actually did, his confessions had deeply touched Gibbs' heart.

"What were you thinking Tony? You could have told me you were after Petrov in the beginning instead of going after him alone!"

"You said I was threat to the team! I didn't want to put anybody in more danger than I already had."

"No Dinozzo!" The ex-marine snapped. "You didn't want us to know. You're right, we betrayed you but you had lost your trust in us long before I said those things at the crime scene. Now it's up to you to believe we can help you" Gibbs stood up, leaving his sweatshirt on the bed, he made his way to the door.

"What will happen now, boss?" The ex-marine didn't expect to hear a word more from his agent but to his surprise Tony spoke.

"It depends on whether you'll stay here and push everybody away, or you accept our help. And about Petrov and Vance –I'll deal with them." Gibbs quieted, giving his agent time to decide. "So?"

"I want to question Petrov…I need to look him in the eyes and ask him how he was feeling while torturing Julie."

"Whenever you're ready." The ex-marine smiled widely.


	15. Chapter 14

**Hey guys, I'm really sorry about the delay. I hope you'll like this chapter. Please comment on it ;)**

**I don't own any of the characters.**

**Chapter 14**

Tony had been in Gibbs' house for three days. The agent had spent the last seventy-two hours in Gibbs' guestroom, hiding from the world around him. He hadn't really spoken to the team. Millions of questions had popped up in his mind – "What if Kate hadn't died? What if he hadn't met Ziva? What if Jenny hadn't been shot? What if he had said "no" to Vance when he had asked him to go undercover? What if Julie was alive? What if he had pulled the trigger in the park?" Having thought about all of the possibilities, Tony heard Julie's voice. _"Everything happens for a reason, Tony. The past is past. Start living in the present because life is too short to be wasted."_ He listened to her voice; a lot of the bad things in his life had lead to some good ones. Kate had been more than a co-worker to him, she had been his sister. Her death had taken a piece of his soul away, but after, he had met Ziva. Tony couldn't imagine his life without the Israeli. They had been through a lot and their friendship had gone beyond the usual relationship between partners.

On the other hand he was grateful that he had met Julie because of Vance. The NCIS director had destroyed his life but Julie had been the best thing that had ever happened to him. The time spent with her had been the happiest he had ever had… he'd see her smile forever.

When the evening came and everybody from Team Gibbs had gone home, Tony left the guestroom and out of Gibbs' sight, he went to the deck. The evening was quiet and warm. The moon was fool and looked like a big, silver circle, shining from the sky. The agent looked up, gazing at the stars and moon. Was Julie was watching him from there?

"She'll be with you wherever you go." Gibbs' voice startled him. Tony didn't answer to the statement immediately.

"Gibbs, do you hear Shannon's and Kelly's voice sometimes?" He finally asked without shifting his gaze.

"Yeah, When I'm feeling lost. I believe that my girls are watching over me."

"I heard Julie's voice today." Tony mumbled and finally looked at the man next to him. "She wants me to continue with my life."

"And what do you want?"

"I want to run away and hide. But I also want to be an agent. It may sound strange, but during the last couple of days I've realized and accepted that she's gone, forever. Past is past, I can't change anything now. I did what I did, I regret about a lot of things. I wish I hadn't accepted to be part of Vance's sick game. But I did… Now I have the chance to build up the future and make the world a better place…Look, boss, I know I betrayed your trust. I also know that all of you went through hell because of me." He looked deep into Gibbs' eyes, all traces of the mask gone. "Forgive me."

Gibbs felt the hot tears burning in his eyes. He shifted his look from Tony's eyes to the sky above, trying to regain his composure. "I don't say it often, but I wasn't right. I've forgotten that sometimes words can do more harm than real bullets. I didn't mean anything from what I said at the crime scene…but if you want your badge back, you'll have to quit drinking. I need a SFA I can rely on and who values his own life."

"Easier said than done."

"Hey," Gibbs touched Tony's arm. "Every step you do, we'll be with you. If the people in this team still mean something to you, you'll allow us to help you. But first you'll have to tell us about everything that has happened since the first day you went undercover."

"I'm not so sure I can, boss…there are some things I can, can barely think about. Things you probably don't want to hear…How will I look into everybody's eyes after I tell them the whole truth?"

Gibbs hand hit Tony's head lightly. It was the first head-slap since months. "Nobody expects it to be easy. Believe me, but talking about it makes it sound more real and acceptable. If not for me, do it for yourself, for Abby, for Julie who wants you to be happy if she had been here."

Tony just nodded before looking at the stars above. "I want to talk to Petrov face to face first thing tomorrow. I've been waiting for the moment for months and can't lose a second more." Gibbs looked at Tony, gauging the emotions that ran across his face.

Xxx

The next morning Fornell brought Petrov to NCIS. The FBI agent locked him in one of the interrogation rooms and had left Ziva and McGee to guard him. Fornell went back to the bullpen where he spotted Gibbs. Tony was nowhere to be seen.

"I though Dinutso would be with you." Fornell said louder than he should have. Gibbs didn't pay much attention to him, actually, he didn't really give any attention to him, as he continued to read his newspaper.

"He went to the bathroom." The ex-marine stated as a matter-of-factly, it had taken him a minute to finally respond.

"I still can't believe you arranged for him to meet with Petrov here." Fornell approached the ex-marine's desk and put two cups of coffee on it.

"Some people in FBI owe their lives to Dinozzo. It's the least they can do. Plus, nobody really likes Vance."

Fornell smirked and took a sip from the hot drink. "Frankly Gibbs, do you think your boy is up to speaking with Petrov?"

"Ask me later and I'll answer your question. What's the worst that could happen?"

"You mean, besides Dinutso killing Petrov in front of our eyes?" Fornell grinned. "That idea actually doesn't sound bad."

"Petrov won't get away with death penalty. I guarantee it. Tony killing him today will save money to the tax payers."

The FBI agent moved a step closer to Gibbs' desk and stared hard at him. "A joke is a joke, Jethro. Are you sure this meeting won't do more harm than good?"

Gibbs leaned in close to meet Fornell's interrogating stance. "Dinozzo's reached the bottom, Fornell. If the meeting doesn't do any good, it can't worsen the situation anyways. I'll be in the room with Tony. If things get out of control, I'll step in."

"Good. Let's do it before my director changes his mind."

xxx

When Tony and Gibbs entered the interrogation room the younger agent sat on the chair in front of the Russian. Gibbs went to the corner, giving his agent some freedom. But reality turned out to be harder than all of the dreams – staring at the cold, devil eyes of Petrov, Tony wanted to kill him, without questioning or even a sentence.

"You look pretty scared, agent Dinozzo." Petrov laughed. "What happened to your intentions on killing me?"

"Shut up!" Tony snapped. The anger that was locked inside him was ready to explode. "Why did you kill Julie? She was innocent."

"She was a cop, just like you. So she wasn't innocent. I hate betrayers… And usually, their punishment sends them to the graveyard cop or not."

"And what were you feeling while she was dying? What were you feeling, knowing that I was dying next to her lifeless body?"

"Frankly? I was satisfied. I knew you were dying in pain. It was enough for me to feel good. But then, somehow, you lived through the days and the people you consider family found you. Do you know why I didn't go after you? Why I didn't attempt to kill after? You deserved her destiny, Anthony, but I'm satisfied with the pain her death's been causing you. I've been watching you during the last few months. You've completely fallen apart and the best part was, nobody seemed to understand it, to understand you."

"Son of a bitch…" Tony hissed. At the corner of the room, Gibbs closed his eyes, attempting to hold in his own anger. "I'll make sure you suffer twice as much pain just before your execution. My face will be the last thing you'll see!"

"Don't be so sure, Anthony." The look in Petrov's' eyes was arrogant, provoking Tony to hit him. But to his own surprise, the agent stayed calm. "Tell me something, agent Dinozzo. Do you wake up in the middle of the night, scared from a nightmare? Do you see her tormented face every time you close your eyes?"

"No!" Tony tried to lie, but his trembling voice couldn't fool anybody.

"Yes, you do. Those memories have been taking your soul away piece by piece, and at that moment – there's nothing left. You're empty inside. That is what I'll see before I die – a ghost, without soul and a reason to live."

"Oh, but your wrong." Tony forced himself to smile widely but the words he was about to say were the most sincere words that had come out of his mouth in a few months. "I'll live because I want to be the one who'll put people like you behind bars. And I'll start with you because my testimonies will guarantee you a death penalty."

On the other side of the glass, McGee and Ziva grinned, even Gibbs who was still at the corner, smiled. That was their Tony, it was their first glimpse since everything had happened, it felt wonderful to have him back. Even though they all had a long way left to go, just Tony being there and saying those words meant they had officially started the road to recovery.

Xxx

When Tony and Gibbs returned to the bullpen they spotted Vance who was on his way to his office. He was in such a hurry that he didn't see the two agents coming. Only one thought occupied his mind, and it was to save his worthless ass. Having got rid of Tony's gun, the NCIS director was ready to order Tony's arrest. His initial plan was to accuse the agent of murder. But the plan had gone to hell when the FBI had arrested Petrov. Vance still had another plan, he intended to charge Tony with all of the illegal things he had done since the beginning of the undercover operation. Unfortunately, it was a long list.

"Are you going somewhere, director?" Gibbs barked with a smirk. The broad smile on his boss' face puzzled Tony who had no idea what was going on. He shifted his look from the ex-marine to Vance. At the same time Vance's vicious eyes stared at the younger agent, their eyes meeting for an instant. What Tony saw, he had never expected to find there – it was fear.

"Yes, I am agent Gibbs. Actually, I was on my way to order Agent Dinozzo's arrest. But as he's already here, I may just call the security."

"I'm afraid that's not an option." The smirk on Gibbs face didn't fade away, Vance's face paled.

"What? Dinozzo should be grateful I didn't send him to a psychiatric facility, because it's exactly where he should be right now."

"Oh thank you, Director, you're the most generous man in the world!" Tony exclaimed before Gibbs could answer. It was impossible to describe the disgust the agent was feeling towards the man with the toothpick.

"You don't have the authority to arrest anybody." Gibbs barked, his face having the usual serious expression.

"I can do whatever I want!"

"I doubt it, Leon. And your friend SecNav doesn't think so either. It was either his career or yours – guess what choice he made."

Now Tony understood. SecNav had sacrificed Vance's job for his own sake. A mixture of feelings overwhelmed him. He had waited ages, for the moment when Vance would be punished. But on the other hand, SecNav was as guilty as the director himself. Both should be placed in prison. The agent couldn't accept the thought that he'd have to work for Jarvis again...

"Listen to me, Mr. Toothpick." Tony's voice carried around the bullpen, and there were plenty of people in the office to watch, and all were ready to stand behind the Very Special Agent Anthony Dinozzo. Somehow, with Abby's help, Vance's actions against Team Gibbs' SFA had reached everybody's ears. "It's only the beginning. I'll personally make sure that you'll never work for the state again. If I were you I'd start planting vegetables and praying that somebody will buy at least one tomato."

"Are you threatening me, Agent Dinozzo? I'll be happy to add it onto your list of crimes."

"No, no. Take it as an advice from an old friend."

"You'll regret it!" Vance stormed out of the bullpen, having realized that his game was over. The bright career of Leon Vance had ended. What he didn't know was that in a couple of days he would have to share a cell with somebody he had probably put in jail.

Tony ignored the stares coming from the agents and turned his head to Gibbs.

"I've told you I'd take care of Vance." The ex-marine shrugged.

"Thank you, boss, really. But I'm not letting Jarvis get away with it. If he stays a Secretary of the Navy, you'll have to find a new SFA.

"It's high time you believed in my words, Dinozzo. I've promised you that both Vance and Jarvis will pay for what they did and I intend to keep this promise. But there's no harm to use one of them against the other."


	16. Chapter 15

**Hey ;) Really, really sorry for the delay. Please forgive me. Hope you'll like this chapter and review…Oh, the next chapter will be the final one. I'll publish it later this day or tomorrow. **

**I don't owe any of the characters.**

**Chapter 15**

Later the day Tony had met Petrov face to face, and before he knew it, the agent found himself sitting in Gibbs' basement. It was just after midnight and the owner of the place had already gone to bed, believing that his guest had fallen asleep. But Tony couldn't sleep tonight or the night before it... And wasn't from the lack of trying. Every time he closed his eyes, the nightmares mercilessly picked up where they had left off the last time he had actually made it asleep.

Tony didn't know how many hours had passed since he had slid to the floor with his newly poured glass of bourbon, his back against Gibbs' almost finished boat. The full glass was carefully placed in front of him, but he never touched it. His will was stronger than the desire to draw his sorrow in alcohol.

His mind had simply shut down. He wasn't sleeping or thinking, just staring. A voice startled him out of it.

"Sneaking into someone's basement is not polite, Dinozzo." Gibbs stated. His hair was messy and he looked sleepy. Tony almost jumped out of his skin before he realized what was happening. He hid his face in his palms and remained that way. Worried, Gibbs sat next to his agent, as gently as he could, moved Tony's hands and lifted his chain.

"Hey, you can tell me." Gibbs was a man of a few words. But they were enough for Tony to understand what his boss meant. Despite being terribly late, the ex-marine was ready to listen.

"How…how do you expect me to tell you, when I don't know even what it is, boss? I was sure I'd feel better when got to look Petrov in the eyes and hear what he had to say…then why I feel even worse now?"

"Because you need something to believe in, Tony. Up until today you were living because you wanted to meet Petrov. Tell me if I'm right."

Tony nodded but didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say or do.

"Do you know why I set up the meeting?' Gibbs asked when didn't hear any kind of a response from his agent.

"To see if I was capable of killing him?" Tony guessed.

"No. But I'm glad you resisted the urge to hit him. The real reason was that I wanted you to stop living for revenge. I know what it's like, and trust me, the feeling isn't a good one. Now it's time for you to decide what you really want to do with your life."

"I feel empty, boss. I've spent the last few months trying to stop the gap inside of me looking for revenge. But now Petrov is in prison, and I feel like I don't belong anywhere…just look how pathetic I am." The younger agent added a dose of sarcasm in his last words.

"You belong to NCIS…to the team, Dinozzo. It's not the best what life can offer, but this is the job you love and it can be what will feel the gap…for now. A day will come when you'll meet somebody you'll fall in love with."

"Does the team really need somebody like me?"

"You mean funny, cheerful, smart and sly? Yes Dinozzo, it's what we need."

"No. I mean a drunk who causes more trouble than some of the men we arrest."

Gibbs head-slapped his agent before answered to his remark. "You're not a drunk. How many hours have you been staring at this glass without touching it? Yes, you have problems which won't disappear overnight, and we don't expect them to. But you're the best agent in this agency so you're allowed to cause troubles from time to time."

"Yea…I may try to believe in your words, boss. But..." The younger man didn't finish his last sentence.

"Split it out, Dinozzo." Gibbs urged.

"Jarvis. As long as he stays a secretary of the navy, I can't go back. I'm sick of people who use me for personal vendettas. First Jenny, then Vance and Jarvis, twice."

"His days as a Secretary of the Navy are near to an end. The second he clears out your name, he'll have to say good-bye to his career. Or his little affairs with various women in their early twenties will go to the public. Neither his wife nor the President will like it." Gibbs smirked. He stood up and headed to the stairs. "And Dinozzo, you promised me to have a talk with the whole team once you've met Petrov. I expect you to keep your promise."

After a moment of silence Tony nodded. "I will. Night, boss."

Xxx

The talk he had had with Gibbs was playing over and over again in his mind, squishing any morsel of hope that he would sleep tonight. What he should do from now on? Could he get at least one part of his life back? Could he be an agent again?

Having though of all the possibilities, he turned his head and took a glance at the watch that was next to his bed, 5:02. Despite the very early hour, the agent stood up. He knew his boss, Gibbs would be awake soon.

Tony took a brief, refreshing shower, dressing up in a dark blue sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. He was making his way to the kitchen when something on the table in the living room attracted his attention. It was a big envelope which was unsealed. He went closer to it and took it with his hands. Then pulled out what was inside it – two sheets of paper. They had the name of SecNav on the top of them. The first one was a written statement of an ex-agent who had used to work with Jarvis. According to it, SecNav had begun his personal vendetta against Petrov when his son – Nick, died from an overdose. Jarvis had jeopardized a whole team and two good agents had been killed by Petrov's people in trying to arrest the Russian. But nobody, except for the team had been briefed about the operation, so the death of two men had been classified as an "incident". The rest of the team had been black-mailed by Jarvis and no one dared to say a word.

The second piece of paper had two pictures of Jarvis and two different woman attached to it. There was a very long list of names of girls Jarvis had been with. Next to each name was written the girl's exact age – it varied between 21 and 24. Tony didn't recognize any of the names but he could bet on his life, they all were strippers from bars in DC. If these photos and the list went out to the public, Jarvis would never be able to find any kind of a job.

Just then Julie's face flashed trough his mind. Tony grabbed the two sheets, put them back into the envelope, grabbed Gibbs' car keys which were on the table and stormed out of the house. The ex-marine's car was parked in front.

Gibbs opened his eyes but instead of the voice of a songbird he heard his car alarm been activated.

"Hell Dinozzo!" The ex-marine cursed, shooting out of bed "Don't run away from me." It was almost a plead. Gibbs ran outside, it was too late – he saw his car disappearing behind the corner of the street.

Xxx

Gibbs rushed back into the house. He had a bad feeling that Tony was about to do something stupid. Then it hit him – he had forgotten the information against Jarvis on the table. Going to the living room, his eyes stopped at the place he had left the white enveloped the day before. But except for an empty plate, he didn't see anything else on it. "Damn!" The ex-marine cursed. He mentally kicked himself for the stupid mistake.

In the kitchen, Gibbs found his cell. He pressed the speed dial button and waited for Ziva to pick up her phone.

"_Gibbs." _The agent heard the familiar voice of the Israeli. _"Don't tell me we have a case."_

"Dinozzo's on his way to Jarvis."

"_What"_

"He has the copy of the information I asked you to find." On the other side of the phone, the male agent heard Ziva slamming her door.

"_I'm on my way to Jarvis' home. Meet you there."_

"Ziva!" Gibbs snapped. "You'll have to pick me up. Dinozzo took my car."

Gibbs heard Ziva curse another driver in Hebrew. _"I'm twenty minutes away from your place." _

"Make it fifteen." Gibbs barked and then the line went dead.

Xxx

Tony parked his boss' car in front of Jarvis' big, shiny house. For the very first time in his life he wondered how much exactly the salary of the SecNav was. There was a huge green garden around the house and at least six types of flowers could be seen. A fluffy white dog was enjoying the morning sun near a long swimming pool.

Tony went to the front door and rang the bell. A handsome muscular man opened the door. It was obviously that Jarvis had guards.

"How can I help you?" The man asked. At the same moment Jarvis appeared with his morning newspaper. He was dressed casually – with a pair of light blue jeans and a black shirt. Tony couldn't miss the shock on SecNav's face. But he covered it fast, telling the guard it was fine.

"Agent Dinozzo." Jarvis murmured. "I'm glad to see you."

"Yea, sure. You'd be happier if I was in a coffin, you son of a bitch." Tony answered as he walked in. He followed the other man into the living room. Instead of sitting down, he flourished the envelope he was holding. It immediately attracted Jarvis attention.

"What the hell is this?"

"Do you know what's funny, _sir_?" Tony laughed. "I remember you telling me that you own me and I guess you were damn right because you know how much I care about the team and you had the power to disband it. But now I owe you, Jarvis." The sudden change of "sir" with his first name annoyed SecNav but scared his as well.

"You really are crazy, Dinozzo. I should have listened to Vance."

"I'm who I am because of you." The agent barked. "You're not much different from Petrov. But at least he confessed about his crimes while you're hiding them."

"Let's not wash our dirty clothes in public. Your stupidity screwed up my operation, Agent Dinozzo. I once warned you to not mess with the woman you work with. But no – the famous Anthony Dinozzo couldn't resist but go in bed with every female agent he met. You might have fooled the others but I know that Agent Parker meant nothing more for you than a number in your list. It's been the same with Kate, Paula and Jeanne, hasn't it?"

Jarvis' last statement crossed the line. It wasn't true – Kate, Paula and Jeanne had meant a lot to him. He had never wanted to hurt any of them but at the end, somehow, they ended up either killed or in pain. His history with the woman in his life was one of the reasons Tony didn't believe his life worth anything. But it was different with Julie – she had been his entire world. Not just a good friend, a number on the list or a sex toy – she'd been the real one.

"You stupid son of a bitch!" The agent yelled. He threw the envelope on the ground and pushed SecNav to the wall, squeezing his throat. Jarvis began chocking but he was still able to talk.

"Go ahead. Kill me. I have nothing more than my career."

A knock on the door shifted Tony's attention from Jarvis to the door. Having heard a gruff voice, he knew it was Gibbs. The door opened and Ziva, followed by the ex-marine walked in. It seemed that SecNav's guard had taken his orders seriously and was out of earshot.

"Dinozzo, let him go." Gibbs barked.

"Please, Tony, you're not like him." Ziva pleaded.

As if having just realized what he was doing, Tony loosened his grip and took his hands off Jarvis. The latter leaned against the wall in an attempt to breath in some oxygen. The agent walked to the opposite wall and hit it as hard as he could. He heard his knuckle crack and felt a sharp pain. Next, Gibbs calloused hand gripped his.

"Hey, look at me." The ex-marine whispered. With the corner of his eyes he saw that Ziva was next to Jarvis, checking if he was ok.

"He provoked me, boss." Tony mumbled, realizing how weak he was. It wasn't right to try to kill everybody who told him something he didn't like.

"I know. We'll talk about it later. Now go and wait us in my car. I have something to do here."

Tony accomplished willingly. He didn't want to see Jarvis' face ever again. When the door slammed behind the agent, Gibbs took the envelope from the ground and handed it to Jarvis.

"What's this?"

"It's for you and it's a copy. I have the original save and sound. Read through it carefully and decide if you want it to go to the public…and to the President. If not, I want you to clean out Tony's name and give out that you're leaving the Navy by the end of the day." Gibbs explained. Then he motioned to Ziva and they headed toward their cars. After both agents exited Jarvis' house, the ex-marine stopped and blocked Ziva's way.

"Gibbs." The Israeli looked at her boss puzzled.

"I'm riding with Dinozzo back to my house. You go to work and tell the team that I'm expecting them for dinner. Dinozzo might not like it, but he's going to talk to all of us."


	17. Chapter 16

**Okay…It's time for the final chapter. I can's describe how sad I am because I enjoyed writing every single sentence but everything comes to an end sooner or later. I appreciate your reviews and I'm soooo glad you liked this story. Don't hesitate but tell your opinion about this chapter **

**Special thanks to my Beta-reader. I would have never published it if it wasn't because of her.**

**I don't owe any of the characters.**

**Chapter 16**

Abby was feeling lonely in her lab. For the first time in her life, the company of her lab's equipment wasn't enough to make her happy. She needed to be with her family, with Tony. But as she had seen so many times recently, her best friend didn't want to speak to her.

Abby took off her lab coat around noon and headed for the bullpen where she knew she could find McGee and Ziva. They weren't actually doing anything, only pretending.

"Ahhhhh!" The Goth heard Ziva yell and as she stepped out the elevator. She saw the Israeli hitting her keyboard.

"I've told you so many times, Ziva. You can't repair something by hitting it. Even Gibbs can't do that." McGee stated calmly. "What's wrong this time?"

"I've told you that there's a virus in your computer." Abby broke into the conversation. "Let me see what the problem is."

"The problem is that nothing works!" Ziva snapped. She stood up from her chair and Abby occupied it. "NCIS is going through a crisis. SecNav and our own director destroyed Tony's life. He tried to kill himself…and-" She made shooing motions at her computer. "Even our equipment is out of order!"

"Oh dear." Ducky's voice startled the Israeli. She hadn't noticed Ducky had joined them. "Everything will be alright." The ME smiled sympathetically.

"I've got ya!" Abby exclaimed and everybody stared at her. "You can't beat me, you stupid little virus!" She gave Ziva a reassuring smile, even though she wasn't exactly reassured herself. "Your computer is like new, Ziva."

"See." Ducky tapped the Israeli on the shoulder.

"Why don't we go visit Tony tonight?" Abby offered. "We could watch Magnum together."

"Gibbs wants us at his house for dinner anyway." Ziva stated as a matter of fact. Gibbs had asked her to bring the entire team to his house and she intended to do it. "It's high time we heard the story from where it started. Tony needs to talk about it or it will destroy him. Gibbs wants it to happen tonight."

"Yea. It's not like Tony avoids us on purpose. I can't say he's listening to Gibbs though." McGee smirked sadly. Abby and Ziva slapped him on the head at the same time.

"Today he realized how weak he really is. I'm quite sure he noticed his own need to share with us." Ziva hadn't told them about Tony and Jarvis, but it was pointless to hide it from them.

"What are you talking about?"

"Let us just say that Gibbs left something he has against Jarvis on his table and Tony found it this morning. He went to Jarvis' house to confront him, but things went out of control because of Jarvis' big mouth. Tony had fully lost control over himself and was about to suffocate SecNav when we stopped him. SecNav is okay, if we do not count the fact that he's either giving up on his job by the end of the day or the press and the President will be sent a very bad document."

McGee, Abby and Ducky were staring at the Israeli with wide eyes. "What information, exactly?" McGee pressed with curiosity.

"Well, Tony's case is not the first one that Jarvis has exceeded his authority with. A few years back there were some marine deaths because of him. And of course, the several people who knew about it have been threatened to keep their mouth shut. Plus, it looks like Jarvis likes to play with…how to say it…pretty young, illegally working girls at bars."

"Where do you know this from, my dear?" Ducky amused.

"You forget that I'm and ex-Mossad, Ducky. "I know people…people who own me their lives."

Xxx

Gibbs knew it was going to be a long way but he fully intended to be there for his agent. He had had enough time to think about all problems they might face but still, he'd be there for Tony, always.

"GIBBS." The ex-marine heard Abby's voice and his front door creaked.

"In the kitchen, Abs." He replied, salting the potatoes which he was preparing for dinner. The steak was already ready.

"You enjoy the cow-boy style steak, don't you?" Abby giggled when she joined the ex-marine in the kitchen. A second later Ducky, Jimmy, McGee and Ziva appeared, carrying both non-alcohol and alcohol beer.

"Where's our Anthony?" Ducky asked.

"Taking a shower. He insisted he has to look good if somebody comes by."

"That's sounds about right." The old ME grinned. "Don't allow him to hide behind that mask we've all seen so many times, Jethro. I'm sure he'll pretend to be fine but he won't be anytime soon."

"Don't worry Duck. We'll be having plenty of time for chats while building my boat."

"Tony will build a boat?" Ziva laughed, unable to believe that her partner could build even a toy from wood.

"Oh, he will." Gibbs smirked, imagining his agent's face when at the moment he learns this fact. "C'mon, the potatoes will be ready in no time."

Xxx

The dinner at Gibbs' place was great. Reminding him of the happier times the team had partied together. The last time they had gone out and had had wonderful time had been the night before the whole nightmare began.

He was grateful to hear Abby laugh, Ziva teasing and even McGee enthuse about his geek stuff. But he also noticed that his senior agent had remained silent most of the time and had passed the opportunity to make fun of the two junior agents. It seemed that Ducky had also noticed it. He searched for Gibbs' eyes and exchanged look with him, meaning _"Are you sure he's good?"_ But the ex-marine pretended he hadn't understood the question because he didn't know the answer. During the last ten years he had learned to read through Tony's mask and had always known what had been going on in his agent's mind. Now he was sure that the only reason he had been able to do it, was because Tony had allowed him to. This evening, the SFA preferred to keep his emotions to himself.

"Come on McGee! We want to know about your geeky girlfriend." This time Abby teased instead of Ziva.

"What? Girls, I've already told you she's just a friend." McGee shrugged. "A pretty friend I have to admit."

Listening to the conversation, Tony felt anger overwhelming him. It wasn't because McGee had met a girl, there was nothing wrong with it, but because he wished he could tell Julie just one more time how beautiful she was. He pressed his eyes shut praying that nobody was watching him and clenched his fists under the table in the living room.

Tony's attempt to not attract attention went to hell when he felt Gibbs' hand on his clenched fist. The ex-marine had sat on Tony's right side in case his agent needed support. His assumption had proven to be right. Fortunately, the senior agent took control over his emotions.

It took Abby four minutes to see Tony's face, and stop babbling about McGee and how he had to find a girl and have geeky children. With Abby having shut up, McGee and Ziva noticed the sudden change in their friend and looked at him worriedly. Their stares were what Ducky had feared from. What Tony needed least, was to be a center of attention.

"Hey, go to your room if you need a moment in privacy." Gibbs whispered in Tony's ear. He wanted to yell at Abby, Ziva and McGee to stop staring at the other agent but decided to deal with it later.

"No." Tony exclaimed with cold voice. Opening his eyes, he whipped the tears away. "If I don't tell it now, I probably never will…Just give me a second."

Gibbs hand was firmly placed on Tony's knee. It was the support the agent needed and he was silently grateful for it.

Abby wanted to say something, but Tony cut her off.

"Abby please, just listen. I don't know if I'll be able to tell the story once again and you'll have enough time to hate me anyway so please let me talk…Okay, you all know where it started from. You were with me when Vance ordered me to go undercover. But what you don't know is that I met with him an hour after he briefed us. I told him to find somebody else for the operation. But then he showed me a filled in document for disbanding the team. All he had to do was to sign it, so I accepted going undercover. They said that if I fail, Team Gibbs would be disbanded. He promised me it would be for three to four weeks. They gave me access to unlimited amount of money which I had to invest on drugs. I did so and in not more than a week, I was hired by Petrov. But our communication wasn't direct. My boss was a man called James. He is one of the people FBI arrested at the airport. My mission was to collect evidence against the group and meet with Petrov.

I had to have my back covered by an FBI agent…Julie. Gradually she became everything I had. Vance wanted me to do everything I had to do in order to meet Petrov. And I did it – I killed a couple, knowing that they were innocent. But if I hadn't pulled the trigger, my cover would have been blown. The same night, I met Julie to brief her. She sensed that something wasn't right with me, so I told her what I'd done. We talked a lot before she headed for home. Being alone once again, I escaped from my misery drinking until I passed out. That's how it started. The next week a young marine yelled at my boss that he didn't want drugs anymore. He threatened to call the police, and a part of me hoped he would do it. That way everything could end. But before I realized what was going on bullets were flying around and I had to protect my boss. I fired and hit the marine straight in the heart. I started drinking a lot after that, and there were times when I was able to forget who I was and what I had done.

Me and Julie had been meeting almost every night and she knew everything about me – the people I had killed, who I had sold drugs to, which bar I was drinking at. She never said anything, even when I told her I had given methamphetamine's to teenagers. I slowly fell in love with her. Once I was so drunk that I passed out in her place… The next day she made me talk to Vance and ask him to pull me out. I loved her so much, that I met the damn son of a bitch...But he only threatened me for a second time. He showed me the disbanding papers and said that I was going to jail if the operation fell. Somehow he knew about every step I had made, about every victim of mine. I would never see Julie again, he told me. I continued living in a lie– lying to you, lying to Petrov's group, lying to myself that everything was under control. The only person who knew the truth was Julie. She asked me to talk to you boss, to ask you for help. The day I decided to come here and meet you, I was told that Petrov would be in town in a few days and he wanted to see me. He had been preparing the deal of his life with dealers in Russia and Poland. This was my opportunity to collect enough evidence off him to be arrested and given a life sentence. I knew the end was near. Two nights later Julie told me she was pregnant. I realized that it was smarter to give up on chasing Petrov, for her and our baby. I was ready to lose my job and maybe move out of the States. Petrov has people everywhere and our lives could have been in danger. We had to do it carefully..." He finally paused to take a shaky breath. "So I set up a meeting with Vance the following night. But just before it, I had been clubbing with my partner, Roy, and we had drank a lot. He expected me to spend the night with him as usual on Friday and it would have been too out of the normal not join him. I didn't remember how much I drank, but I fell out with Vance, Roy overheard us. It was a stupid mistake which totally screwed up my life. The damn alcohol and I killed Julie. The next morning I went straight to a trap. Petrov was at the garage you found me in and he knew I was a cop. He had Julie. Some of the men who worked for Petrov tied me up and beat me for information. They couldn't break me. They desperately needed to know how much I had told Vance." Tony's breaths were going form shaky to few in between. "They tortured Julie right in front of my eyes...they beat her, burned her, kicked her in the stomach, drugged her...and it did break me, but I kept the damn information to myself, because that's what she wanted. This was the only way Vance and Jarvis could be happy and arrest Petrov. The torture went on for awhile. I have no idea how many days went by. When I was conscious, I prayed to die, but fought because of Julie. I would tell myself not to be selfish, that she needed me...but I was the reason she was there. It was all my fault…I remember her telling me that she loved me. I didn't answer, I couldn't…I…I could barely get a breath." It hurt to look into his eyes, could see the memories flashing across them. But he amazingly pressed on. None of the team dared to speak. " She passed out together with our child, and I..I never, never told her how much I loved her. There was nothing to stay alive for. I was more then broken inside, I was dead inside. The next time they beat me, I closed my eyes and let the darkness come. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't watch her suffer anymore. Nothing mattered."

Xxx

When Tony told the last part he stood up from the sofa and headed for the bathroom. The team didn't move. Their eyes were fixed at the place where Tony had been sitting. What they were feeling, couldn't be explained in action and words. There was no hatred for Tony, but unfortunately, he didn't know that.

Gibbs stood up and left the room. He could hear the sink going full blast. He waited outside for a while but when his agent didn't show up and the water kept falling down, he entered. Tony was sitting on the frosty floor and his head was touching the wall. Gibbs sat in front of Tony in a way he could have eye contact with him.

"You've never told me Vance had been blackmailing you." Gibbs stated, feeling a little hurt. If only Tony had trusted him enough to tell him, everything could have been different.

"It's not something you tell." Tony mumbled.

"Don't." The ex-marine barked and his gruff voice startled the younger agent.

"What?"

"Don't hide behind that mask. Not this time, Dinozzo."

"My whole life's a theater, boss. My mask is what I need to wear in order to survive."

"Then why did you just opened up in front of the team? Why did you let them see the real you?" Gibbs was feeling that every time his agent was making a step toward his recovery, he was also going two steps back. Why couldn't Tony just allow them to help him?

"I don't know, Gibbs." Tony's attempt to lie to his boss, but it came out as sounding ridiculous. "A moment of weakness, maybe. But now I'm sure they hate me. I even hate me."

"Bullshit!" Gibbs yelled, scaring Tony, Gibbs had never done that in front of him. "This morning when your inability to control your anger, almost made you kill Jarvis...But you realize that the feelings you keep locked somewhere inside will destroy you, right? You didn't say it, but you needed to reveal them, right? And after dinner, when a simple conversation pissed you off, the real you showed up and told us the story, right? Tony, you have to trust me, I've been close to where you are. I know what it's like to hold so much inside."

"It's no right that simple things like conversations make my blood boil." Tony mumbled but Gibbs heard the words.

"Well, Tony, if you don't want it to happen ever again stop living as Anthony Dinozzo – drug dealer. Be yourself. Not the class clown who masks his feelings with silly remarks, not a man looking for revenge, but you."

"I don't even know who I am anymore, and it's not like it doesn't sound good…theoretically. But what if the team doesn't like the man they see? I have no idea who I am and what I look like."

"Doesn't matter what you've done, all that matters is what you'll do from now on. Now let's join the others because in about eight minutes Jarvis will announce that he's quitting from his post." Gibbs gave a satisfactory smile, "I don't want to miss it."

Xxx

Gibbs walked in his living room where McGee, Abby, Ducky, Jimmy and Ziva were. Tony was staying at the door, not sure if it was a good idea to follow his boss.

"Gibbs, where's…" Ziva stopped in the middle of her sentence when her partner appeared behind her boss. For his own surprise, Tony had the courage to join his family.

"Where do you expect him to be, Ziva?" The ex-marine barked but Ziva's face made him smile. He looked at his watch, there were two minutes left until the News started. For his team's surprise Gibbs went to his old TV and turned it on.

"Since when you're such a big fan of TV, Jethro?" Ducky asked with curiosity. Meanwhile Tony sat in the only free armchair, avoiding the couch on purpose. Gibbs sat next to Ducky and made them a sign to be silent.

"_Exclusive news from the last hour." _A middle-aged woman from the local news announced. _"Secretary of the Navy Clayton Jarvis called a press conference this evening. For everybody's surprise he declared that he's resigning from his position. When asked about the reason he answered nothing more than he and his wife are moving to a quieter place and are planning on starting a farm. But according to unconfirmed records and some speculation, his strange decision has something to do with Leroy Vance who was recently fired from his position of a director of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service. For now we don't know who will be the new SecNav and who will take over NCIS." _

"Farming?" Abby giggled. "Can you imagine Jarvis sharing his lunch with a cow?'

"I don't think he knows how to share anything." Tony murmured, sitting in a distance from his friends.

"Tony…" Abby's eyes met with his. "…you'll come back, won't you? I mean you're…you're not leaving us, right?'

Tony didn't answer immediately but was thinking about Abby's words. "Do you really want me back? Will you all be able to work with me after everything I did?"

"Yes!"

"Yea."

"Sure."

"Of course."

Ziva, Palmer, McGee and Ducky exclaimed at a time. Gibbs silently listened to the conversation, glad that Tony was willing to speak with them openly.

"We know you well enough, Tony, to know what a good man you are." This time Ziva spoke. "I have also killed people who were innocent. Tony, I will not lie to you – sometimes I see their faces, hear their voices. But you should keep in mind that Petrov will never ever see sunlight because of you. He won't kill anybody from now on. His drugs won't ruin families, teenagers won't be hooked up because he's greedy. Innocent people won't be murdered with his guns. A handful of people died, a lot more will be saved. This though keeps me from going crazy. I hope it will help you, too."

"You belong to us, Tony. It's not been the same since you went undercover." McGee smiled in support.

"It's your call Dinozzo." Gibbs said but he already knew the answer.

"I'm…I'm not leaving you, Abs."

"That's our boy!" Ducky smiled. "Jethro, do you have any idea who the new SecNav and director will be?"

"I have a hunch, Duck. Just wait and you'll see by yourself." The ex-marine smirked.

**Epilogue**

**One month later**

"They're coming…they're coming." Abby was jumping around the NCIS bullpen. It was Monday morning and all agents had already arrived. Ziva, McGee, Ducky and Palmer were there as well, feeling just as excited as the ecstatic Goth. A lot had happened during the last thirty days but the most important was, that Tony had had the courage to face his demons. He wasn't the same Tony he had been before the undercover operation and he would never be, but they didn't expect him to be. He still had a ways to go to feeling good, but the team understood and accepted it.

The first good news came three weeks after the night Tony opened up in front of his family. He wasn't sure if he could do it on his own, but he wanted to go home. The day after, he packed his bag and moved from Gibbs house back to his apartment. The first two nights were hell – full of memories and feelings. But Tony had realized he had to move on – because of Julie and their unborn child, because they would want it. He finally slept peacefully on the third night. The next day he met Gibbs and asked him to go back to work. The ex-marine said yes, even though Tony himself wasn't sure if he was up to it.

There he was on Monday morning – in the elevator with Gibbs. They knew they were late but nobody was actually working that day because they would finally meet the new director of NCIS. Both agents exchanged looks just before the elevator dinged and its doors slid open.

"Tonyyyy!" Abby's voice exploded through the bullpen. She wrapped him in a tight hug.

"I…can't breath…Abs." Tony whispered and the Goth released her grip, kissing him on the cheek.

That moment the team noticed Gibbs' absence. A moment later they heard him cough in a way showing that he needed everybody attention. They looked up and saw him up the stairs, grinning.

"As you know, NCIS officially has a new director." The ex-marine announced loudly. "I am sure you all know him and many of you has worked with him."

A man in his late forties stepped behind Gibbs. He was dressed in a suit and a black long coat. His hair was white and rare.

"Everybody, meet Director Tobias Fornell."

Tony's eyes widened. McGee was stunned. Ziva was shocked. Palmer was surprised. Ducky was curious.

"Jethro?" The old ME looked at the ex-marine puzzled when he joined them.

"He had some issues with the Director of FBI. He didn't like that Fornell disobeyed his direct order and arranged for Tony to meet with Petrov. A little birdie told me he was about to leave FBI and when I was asked about my opinion of the new director, Fornell's name popped up in my mind…Don't worry, I trust him." Gibbs explained just before his cell rang. After a short talk he headed toward his desk, opened the drawer and took out two sets of guns and badges – his and Tony's. He threw his agent's badge to Tony and put his gun on his desk.

"Gear up! We have a dead marine." Gibbs barked and hit the elevator button.


End file.
